...and a happy new year!

As the new year rolls around I look back at what a year this has been. Our family increased to five, Lance got his boy in beautiful Jared, Ava has been making new developments every day that have passed my expectations, Jenna is loving going to school and learning responsibility. I still endure a battle of wills when it comes to the potty with Jenna, while Ava has started demanding that I take her. Jared is in the 50th percentile for size, which has my mom anxiety constantly on a roller coaster, should I switch to formula to get more weight on him, is it my fault b/c I'm still nursing and he may not be getting enough, or is he just going to be a little guy??

As a stay at home, any contact with the outside world is usually a joy and relief. It has been quite the adjustment trying to take 3 kids out all at once, but it has been good for all of us for me to brave thru it and get them out of the house as much as I can. Some days I have found myself spending too much time on the computer, which is proven when I open up the laptop and Ava starts whining at me. But I need that connection to big people. Lance calls me technology girl because I have been known to have the TV on, Facebook up and texting. I just say they are my window to sanity.

This year I've made a few discoveries, that while they might not seem exciting to the average person, have made a difference in my household. These are the things I get excited about lately, just a few of my favorite things/discoveries from 2010:

• Jenna's preschool in the school district
• The City Garden downtown - we've only gone once, but it is a breath of fresh air in the middle of the city. (City Garden website)
• Agave Nectar (Honey Tree website)
• Hormel natural deli meats and bacon w/ no nitrates
• Oscar Meyer Angus hotdogs w/ no nitrates
• Heintz no high fructose corn syrup ketchup
• Amazon diaper deals (thanks to Parents mag adding their coupons in their issues)
• Breyers lactose free ice cream
• Craisins! - We occassionally go back and forth with raisins, but the kids love the sweetness of the cranberries, and get mixed in with their Cheerios for snack almost daily. A little article. Along with the craisins, we enjoy Pomegrantite/Cranberry juices (still diluted for the kids, but very beneficial).
• Parenting - The Early Years study. We did this study with our small group, and it was really practical and applicable to my life. It was challenging to me as a parent but packaged very simply and clearly.

I'm looking forward to a new year, but I've never been one to see it as a new start, a new time. It's literally just the day after today. It's going to be Saturday. The biggest excitement I ever had for a new years was at Y2K anticipating what would happen to our computers at work LOL which of course was nothing. It's fun to stay up til midnight (if I can make it that long), we'll watch the New Years Rockin' Eve and the ball drop. I don't get super excited often. I'd say I reserve it for things like friends' and families' births of babies, watching someone open a gift I've given them, the first time Ava peed on the toilet, or watching Jenna write out her name for the first time. You know, the little things :)  I can't bring myself to make a new years resolution either. If I haven't had the care to get up and go the gym in over a month, why would I feel like it on Saturday? Now I don't want to sound like a downer or anything because I do enjoy celebrating as much as the next person, and I love a good party. I just wish I could have one without needing to get the kids down by 7 :) So I do hope and anticipate that this next year will be better than this one, I hope to continue to instill the best of myself, my love, my wisdom in my children, to be the best mother, wife, friend, sister and daughter that I can and just to be "present." To not take things for granted but appreciate all of the blessings that are in my life and the many more that I know God has in store for me. HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)

My man

Yes, two blogs in one day. That's a record for me. But I wrote in my first one that I was sick yesterday, so I was planning on posting it then. Oh well.

So the last few days Lance and I have been getting in little tiffs about who does what and how much around the house. I can never fully explain or make him understand why sometimes the laundry is just going to stay downstairs for a couple days. With the 3 kids upstairs it's not my #1 priority to run up and down the stairs to get laundry. Even when Ava naps I'm either doing other things around the house, something with Jenna, or dare I say NOTHING. My win in the argument (I think) was the fact that I do not need a honey do list, I know what needs to get done, and some things are my responsibility, so I just do them. I don't need to be nagged to do anything. I say it was my "win" because there was silence afterward. What could he really say? He has a to do list (things that I want him to do that I'm capable of doing myself but think he should), that gets one thing crossed off every month! I wouldn't have to nag if things actually got done without me saying something. Anywhooo...

We were both cranky getting out to church yesterday, but then I remembered that we CHOOSE our mood. I refuse to be controlled by my emotions, especially when it's pointless anger. I hate it. So I lightened up and chose to not be in a funk all day. But it got a little worse when we had to wait even longer at Cracker Barrell for a table. Lance said I told him to say 5 people, which I DO NOT remember saying, but when I ask him if he's just going to be grumpy I actually got a "can't you just leave me alone?" Well fine. When we got home I played with the kids, and he and my dad watched football. All was settled down by dinner time. Lance fed Jared, I fed Ava, then I got sick. At least I got some sympathy there. I told him Jenna still needed to eat. I passed out in bed. From what I heard here and there I knew he got them ready for bed and put down. At one point I heard him come in the house, he had gone to the store while my dad stayed with the kids. I assumed he got Jared formula so he could give him a bottle and paper towels because we were out. At another point, not sure what time, I could here him doing dishes. Then around 10:30 he came to bed, Jared woke up around 11. Lance got up and brought him to me to feed him. I took Jared back to his bed.

I went out to the kitchen to replenish my ginger ale and to get some pretzels, hoping I wouldn't throw them up. When I walked out I felt like crying. The kitchen table was completely cleared of its clutter from the night before. There were no dishes in the sink, no bottles on the counter that had to go out to the recycle bin, there was a wet swiffer in the trash, so I knew he had cleaned the floor. I noticed the kids hamper wasn't in Jared's room, so he had started their laundry. The throw blankets were folded on the couch, there were no toys on the floor.

Well, I went back to bed feeling better, gave him a cuddle and thank you for everything. I passed out again. Jared woke up again around 5, so Lance brought him to me, then I fed him and put him back down. Lance got up with the girls, I have no idea what time, and I finally got out of bed around 8, took a nice shower, came out to a cup of coffee waiting for me. Lance got ready for work and left around 9:30. My dad came over around 10 before heading out to the airport.

Really not surprisingly Lance stepped up when I just couldn't do anything. I might complain about little stuff, but he goes above and beyond when I really need him. I love my man!

It's Christmastime in the city...

Well, I was planning on finishing this on Sunday but something made me sick, so I spent the evening in bed. Anyway...
It is the (second) day after Christmas, and I didn't really want to see it go, I think because things go back to "normal." Not that my normal isn't blessed, ever-learning, but it gets monotonous. I find that over Christmas we talk about Jesus a lot more in the house because we are constantly reminding Jenna that he is the reason we celebrate, not because of just getting new toys. I had Jenna go through some of her toys to donate them to Salvation Army. That was interesting try to explain to a 4 year old why she is getting rid of her things. Without over-explaining, I tried to convey that other kids would really enjoy them like she does, she would be getting new toys, and it's important to give to others who maybe don't have the money to buy brand new toys from the store.

Aside from that, at the nearing of the Christmas season, looking at the budget, we decided to just get the kids one main toy (and a couple little things) from us because we knew they'd be getting other gifts from family. That worked out really well, especially because we got a few gift cards, so I was still able to pick out things that I thought they would like that we couldn't purchase ourselves. My dad is also visiting, so he and I went out shopping for the kids. Again, I could help pick out things for them. One of which was a Strawberry Shortcake remote controlled car, which Jenna and Ava both love. I think it's the hit this Christmas.

This year was really tough for me with the whole Santa thing. The kids have been watching the Santa Claus movies every day and Jenna has loved the idea and magic of the reindeer and all. And every morning as soon as Ava wakes up she says, "Watch Santa" and proceeds to shove the remove at me. Last year and this year we made it where Santa brings one present, but we still talk about exchanging gifts with each other. Sunday morning, Jenna asked me again why we give each other gifts on Christmas. It was a nice little teaching moment about God's gift to us of Jesus and we give gifts as part of that celebration and rememberance. She proceeded to remind me that it's also because it's Jesus' birthday :) But of course every time she asked about Santa bringing gifts my heart sinks in the lie answers about Santa's reindeer landing on the roof, Jenna wanting to sleep on the couch and wait for Santa, that Santa left their new bikes by the fireplace, etc. She has so much fun with it, but I hate it. I decided not to crush it before Christmas, but to approach it after in that Santa is pretend but still fun. I made an attempt at lunch after church when she was asking about Santa landing on the roof. She didn't really get it. Naturally I go into over-explaining mode that probably confused her even more. Forget it.

As far as me and Lance goes, we originally decided not to get each other anything, so we would be able to do more for the kids, Christmas dinner, etc. That didn't happen, mostly because Jenna dropped my camera and Lance knew I would not be satisfied over Christmas without a camera. Lance isn't really the romantic type and ended up telling me what he was going to get, but I was still just as excited to get a new camera. Then of course I have the pressure to get him something because he can't NOT open something from me on Christmas. This turned into a last minute Christmas Eve trip to Macys. He is really the easiest to buy for because he's happy with getting new clothes, iTunes gift cards, stuff like that. So he got some new jeans and long-sleeved polo for work, all on sale of course. And when my dad and I went out to get the kids gifts from him on Thursday, I also suggested he get Lance an electric shaver because he's been wanting one. Done.

Last weekend Jenna and I got a 24 hour bug that left us in bed for 2 days, then Lance got it. Thankfully Ava and Jared didn't, but my dad got sick on Christmas Eve and spent the whole day in bed at his hotel. So much for Christmas Eve dinner. It turned out ok, though, because that's when I went out shopping for Lance, and the kids got to open a present. Christmas morning rolled around, the kids got to open a couple little things from us before breakfast, my dad was feeling much better, we had a leisurely morning. Then present opening. It actually went better than I thought it would, the girls would open at the same time with Lance's help, and my dad was holding Jared opening for him. I was taking pictures of course. We tried to get through the opening without having to play with everything right away. Done with that, then for clean up and sending them off with a toy while we unpacked and loaded batteries in the other toys.

They each got some books, their own interactive "video games," (Jenna's is by LeapFrog and Ava's is a little piano that can also hook up to the TV), Jared got his own teethers, which of course Ava prefers to take his than use her own, more "boyish" baby toys with jungle animals and one of those little steering wheels with buttons and music. Jenna has an obsession with animal figurines, so she got a big bag of safari animals and a barrel of dinosaurs (we must have watched Ice Age 3 every day since it was on a few weeks ago, I DVRed it). Ava loves to get the mail with me everyday, so she got a toy mailbox with "letters" and a package. It's so cute. Jenna also got an indoor hopscotch rug, so that's fun for us to both do. I can't even remember everything, but it's nice to have some new variety of things to occupy them.

We started Sunday off pretty early at 6:30, but at least it was the girls and not Jared. He slept from 11:30-8. Mornings always start out ok until it's time to get coats on and try to get out the door. Then it's full stress-mode. Jenna just decides not to move! It seems particularly worse on Sunday mornings. Of course we get in the worst possible mood. So I really tried to lighten up in the car and destress. The message was great, focusing on God being a giver and living with the open-handed mentality of giving and being able to receive from God. My take-away, "God is the best giver. Giving is how love expresses itself." Love that. After church we met up with my dad at Cracker Barrell. What was originally a 40 minute wait turned into an hour because Lance told them 5 people instead of 6, so we had to wait longer (unless we wanted to sit in smoking). I can't believe they still have restaurants with a smoking section. But I kindly declined that I didn't want to take 3 kids in the smoking section. The kids did really well waiting, eventhough it was well-passed Ava's 11 o'clock nap time. She got the crankiest at the table waiting for food. No surprise there. Again, another leisurely afternoon, until sickness hit me about 5 p.m. Then I spent the rest of the evening in bed.

Overall, it was a successful Christmas day. I just wish my dad's visit wasn't full of Jenna running away to hide from him (this isn't a new thing), my dad being sick, and my getting sick again. It was good to have him here, though. I'm just putting off taking the tree decorations down. Tomorrow is trash day. Will I do it before then? We'll see about that one. Lance went in late to work today so I could sleep in. I don't know if I have the energy for all that. One more week of a Christmasy house is fine with me :)

Firsts

Today at church the kids performed their Christmas song. This was actually the second time they did it, but last week a number of kids, including our own, weren't there due to the snow. Jenna has practiced the song in her class, and we've also listened to it numerous times in the car. Now, she loves when we dance around the house together, but for some reason, she does NOT like when I sing along. She says she wants to sing it, though she doesn't because she doesn't know the words to most of the songs that are on the radio. This was also the case in my singing along to the Candy Cane song in the car. She hides her face and turns on the whining for me to stop. This girl loves to put on a show for us, but when we put her on the spot to "practice" her Christmas song she refuses. She is really good at picking up music, though, so I knew that she really did know her song.

Well, today at church she went into class early to practice one more time before going up on the stage in "big church." This was preceded by whining and her face turning red because she wanted to stay in the toddler room where I was preparing to teach that class. But she went. Another woman filled it for me as I rushed into the sanctuary to make sure I got a good spot to record the performance, leaving the other ladies that I was walking with behind. I didn't want to be rude, but they stopped to talk along the way, and I had to get in there. In the moment I was told the other workers who had kids up there were going in I got this surge of energy, anxiety, pride and joy. Now, if you've seen Jenna's dance recital video you know she is not one of the shy kids who freezes up on stage. She loves it. I wasn't quite sure what to expect as I watched the line of kids come up on the stage. It's so funny as parents how self-conscious we get because you just never know what your kid is going to do, and you're just hoping they don't embarras you somehow.

It always feels a little weird to me having her in the sanctuary where people don't usually see me in mom mode, but just on the worship team, where I'm composed and not standing alone. It all changed the moment she walked up on the stage.

As the tallest kid on stage, she was front and center, and I could literally feel all of my teeth exposed into an ear-to-ear smile that would not go down through the whole song. I actually felt weird being that happy. What was wrong with me? LOL I was hanging on her every movement. I couldn't hear her specifically, but I saw her mouth moving with every word. A couple times I saw her finger moving to the nose area and felt my heart stop hoping it wouldn't actually go IN the nose, but it was just a little poke and scratch thankfully. But more surprising than the fact that she knew all the words and actually started doing the movements, was that she stayed right in her spot. She did turn around a couple times and talked to the girl next to her to tell her she liked her candy cane. At the end when all the kids were walking off she walked to the edge, and I knew she wanted to jump off. I had to intervene there and yell for her to follow the other kids.

Her mood swings are worse than mine when I was pregnant, but for her first presentation at church, she did great. I couldn't have been prouder and sadder at how big she was getting. Looking forward to many more of her performances :)

King of Anything

During our vacation I was so glad that we had our XM. One song that I heard on the way down and back was "King of Anything." This was hilarious to me as it was a vivid reflection of a past relationship and inspired me to draft my own song while everyone was asleep as I drove. Although the more I listen to it and watch the video I see it from the perspective of a person being "preached at." To each his own interpretation. But here's the link.

http://www.rhapsody.com/player?type=undefined&id=tra.40373590&remote=undefined&page=undefined&pageregion=undefined&guid=undefined&from=undefined&__pcode=

Making up for lost time

Ahhhh, back to the blog after a week off in Texas. It was a much-needed change of pace in the country at Lance's parent's. Jared and I were the last ones to join the rest of the gang in the morningg, I had time to take a shower every day, I didn't have to entertain the kids all day every day...and of course the kids got to spend quality time with the grandparents. We decided to split up the 10 1/2 hour trip into two days, so we left on Saturday the 20th, stopped in Little Rock, AR and got to Texas on Sunday. The kids did suprisingly WONDERFUL the entire trip down. I think Ava whined for a total of 30 seconds on the second day. This is mostly thanks to the built in DVD player in the van as we turned Ava around to see the screen, so the two girls couldn't see each other to communicate. The only exception to their wonderfulness was the hotel stay. That was enough to give me a huge headache. We all got to bed at 9:45. We leisurely got up and drove Sunday morning.

During that day's trip we stopped for lunch in Texarkana, about 2 hours from the Clifton's, and a man in his late 20's approaches the van before we close the doors to drive off. Lance was the only one outside the van, but Jared's door was opened. The man didn't look homeless but he was asking for money. He said was staying at the Salvation Army, which has a two free nights then it's $8 a day. Lance offers to get him food, but he says they feed him there. So Lance offers to contact Salvation Army to cover a couple nights instead of giving him money. He was surprised by this gesture, but ended up declining. So we assume that he was strategically located outside the liquor store for a reason, so we didn't give him any money. Well, I felt kind of bad if he ended up sleeping on the street and we could've done something. So we call the Salvation Army, but they didn't know of anyone staying there by the man's name. I have the bright idea to track the place down and leave a donation for someone to stay beyond their free nights, and if that guy showed up great. After about 30 minutes of finding the place, a staffer at Salvation Army kindly told me that they can't accept cash, but this guy that came up to us was probably scamming us. So I head out feeling bad that I couldn't do more, but we tried. THEN, as we're heading off Lance tells me he remembers another part of the conversation. While they were talking in the parking lot the guy takes notice that we're from out of town and asks Lance if he knows who gypsies are. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Lance tell him he does, and the man tells him that's who he's with. First of all, knowing this at the beginning of this goose chase would've deterred me and eased my guilt for not being able to help this guy out. Like I said, he didn't look homeless, but here I am thinking maybe he got evicted, lost his job, something!!! But no, he is willfully out on the street, hitting people up for money. And btw I found out that Salvation Army has 3 free nights and is $6/day after that. Needless to say I was just hoping I would see that guy walking down the street so I could yell at him and sarcastically correct his scam information. Oh well.

Anyway...the kids had a nice trip of fishing, playing with the dogs, running around and playing ball outside, eating out, and hotel fun (for them not us).

We left Friday morning heading for Memphis. Now I didn't have time to book our hotel night, so Lance did it from his parent's house. It wasn't until we were on our way that I realized it was 30 minutes completely out of the way from our route home in south Memphis. On top of that we couldn't find a decent place to eat near the hotel, and ended up getting the kids Wendy's cheeseburgers and milk, and we had some apples with us. It was also a bath night, so the kids didn't have a whole lot of time to run around the room before bed. After Lance made the last trip up from the car he tells me that there's a sign stating a strict "no noise" policy at the hotel. Apparently there is a whole floor reserved for the railway workers, they work all shifts and have this policy in place mainly for them. As you can imagine, any peep from the kids sent me into panic mode thinking we were going to get kicked out with 3 kids at any moment. We also filled Jenna in on this information as we would be "sleeping in the car all night if she keeps yelling and messing with Ava." My panic shifted into high gear at 12 a.m., 2:30 a.m., 5:30 a.m., all times that Jared woke up screaming his head off. I felt conflicted by my sympathy for his gas pains and shrill cries and my desire for him to shut up before we got kicked out on the street in the middle of the night. At these times Ava also woke up crying. By 6:30 a.m. I had probably gotten 3 good hours of sleep and the rest were worthless. Jenna was waking up, Ava was passed out and we left her that way until her and her pack n play were the last things to get out the door. Under normal circumstances we would've taken our time packing up, taking showers, etc., but we HAD to get out of that hotel before I lost my mind! We ate breakfast at the restaurant as quickly as possible with three kids and were off! About 4 1/2 hours to go, not including the stops. The kids did pretty well again, mostly whiny the last couple hours, Ava specifically. We stopped by our friends to get our garage door opener, as they took out our trash cans while we were gone, made a milk, bread and eggs stop at the store and were ALL relieved and happy to be home sweet home.

Love Unconditional

We've been doing a parenting study with our small group about 10 Bibilical traits that "our kids will thank us for." It's in a format where you see all types of parents and children that are ultimately dealing with the same issues. While it's been one of those "thank God it's not just my kids" moments many times watching the DVD, it's also really made me examine how I am instructing and shaping my children. That last session we watched really focused on unconditional love. Of course I know that I love my kids unconditionally, but do they know that? When I yell at Jenna for yet again having an accident in her pants and basically saying it's your fault your behind is irritated now...when she isn't moving fast enough to get her shoes on...when she's playing with Ava but then closes the door on her fingers??? And then I wonder why she tells me the other day, as I'm doing my hair and makeup, that she needs to put some makeup on too and do her hair because it's not good enough. What?? Where on earth did she get that idea? Did someone else tell her that? I proceeded to tell her that she is beautiful and doesn't need makeup to make her "better". But I also understood that she wanted to just because I was. So I gave her a little brush of light finishing powder and let her put some on. Hearing my child say that in some way she isn't good enough breaks my heart. But even as I'm typing this tons of my own responses to her "messing up" are coming back to me. I tell her I love her all the time, and she tells me too. But watching that last study session really challenged me show my kids that they are my joy, they are wanted, they are loved. It's not to stay that I won't get angry, because that still happens often and kids have that affect at times, but I rarely follow-up with loving words or display forgiveness as I know I am forgiven by my Father daily!! Time and time again I realize that my remaining calm sets the tone for their behavior throughout the day. When I am flustered, easily angered and annoyed, yelling, short and rude, can I really be surprised when that's how Jenna acts? The only difference is, I can punish her for it. Now I do believe God has granted me authority over my children, but how quickly I forget that He is my authority. I feel hypocritical to continually be telling her to speak nicely, to not talk back, to look at me when I talk to her when I don't display the forgiveness, acceptance, grace and unconditional love that God has covered me with. He is our safe-haven, our shelter. We have this confidence in Him and can, therefore, trust Him with our security and welfare. I want to display that and instill that in my children. He designed and created me to be their mother, no one else. How will I use that blessing, that authority? Will I rise to the challenge today or just get through the day?

"The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; 'Great is Your faithfulness. The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, Therefore I have hope in Him." -Lamentations 3:22-24.

Always the last to go...

Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time in 5 months. I had made an attempt at 6 weeks postpartum, but was dizzy, sore and not ready at all. And that was my first workout since about 6 weeks pregnant :) I've been putting it off, and nursing is the only thing that has helped take some of my pregnancy weight off. I've been so unmotivated to workout that I even saw BED leg lifts that you can do for your abs but haven't yet. At this point, my hips have closed up to normal position, the cellulite under my arms is redistributing, and the last time I checked I was about 10 pounds to my prepregnancy weight and about 20 pounds to my wedding weight. Anyway, I can fit into most of my regular underwear, so that was an accomplishment in itself. I have a whole bin of clothes in the basement that I revisit every couple weeks to see how I'm doing on my own. Well, needless to say, now that Jared is eating less often and started cereal, I've hit a wall. No significant gain that I've noticed but not losing anything either. But my biggest problem area is my belly right now, as Jenna innocently pointed out the other day in asking, "Why do you have such a big belly?" I also love as I'm bending down to get the kids bath ready, "Mommy's butt is big." Nice.

Ever since I've lived on my own and even had to care about my weight (post 21 or so) I refused to purchase a scale. The only time I weigh myself is...well, at my doctor's office, my sister's house in Virginia, maybe the gym if I'm brave, but again I haven't been there in 5 months, and the last time was a few weeks ago at the one in the mall bathroom. But I was PMSing and bloated, so I gave myself a 2 pound window. To me, if I know I'm eating well, besides the occasional McArthur's fruit tart and Schnucks fall cookies, I try not to stress about my diet. I pretty much eat what and when the kids do because I incorporate food groups, portion control and try to make good decisions for them. Not to mention Lance has been working out consistently since I met him, so I want to keep him looking good :) But all this is more than I would say for myself if it were just me I was cooking for.

I briefly celebrated when I could squeeze into some old jeans without looking like a spilled over bowl of risen dough, but that didn't last long. Belly fat is one of the biggest problem areas for men and women, and I personally am tired of lifting my crease to wash in the shower or it protruding underneath my waistline. You other moms might know what I'm talking about. Growing up with a personal trainer in the house, and also thankful my dad never nagged me about my ups and downs with my weight, I've always known what I need to do, it was just a matter of getting up and doing it. At home workouts don't work for me, unless I had a treadmill where I could watch tv. That's about all I would do at home. There's something about getting out of the house and doing something for myself that is such a much needed change of pace from my day-to-day. So I bit the bullet and went to the gym. A part of me felt back at home, some normalcy, my old self. I am a wife and mother and consider myself extremely blessed by and in having my family, but for an hour and a half I was just Carrie, and it was nice. While my legs are sore and calves are tight today I already feel better. Now just to keep it up :)

Squeeze the cheeks

No I'm not referring to Jane Fonda's workout, but what else? Babies! It won't be long before my last child is rolling over consistently, starting to crawl, cruise and walk...when his little feet won't be kissable because they'll be dirty, which, in Ava's case, is proof that I need to clean my hardwood more often. I love babies, mine in particular. I can squeeze them, cuddle them and kiss their feet without being considered a weirdo, except to Lance who is anti-baby feet kissing. It already makes me sad when I hold Jared and can tell that he's getting bigger or even holding him imagining him as big as Jenna, talking back, throwing fits, and I fear I won't want to cuddle him as much. It's just painful to have Jenna jumping on me, kneeing me. I hate feeling annoyed by my kids, I wish they could stay babies forever. There will be a time when Jared's chubby cheeks will be cute in a big kid way but not the same. Jenna's still got her adorable cheeks, but they're different compared to Ava's, whose always make me laugh when they bounce in rhythm to her running down the hallway. Now I wouldn't say I have a foot fetish or anything, but what is it about baby feet? This morning I was kissing Jared's feet, and he start cracking up in his cute nasaly, baby chuckle. I put his little feet on my face, and he crinkled his toes to squeeze my cheeks. It was the cutest thing. There is nothing that makes my heart swell and put a smile on my face like the laughter of my children and them crawling into my lap to cuddle. I just can't help but take in Ava and Jared's baby breath and press their cheeks against mine. I did read somewhere that when babies feel contact on their faces or foreheads it gives them a sense of comfort and security. I love resting my head on theirs as we rock or read a book, and of course squeezing those chubby cheeks!

Let's get somethin' started...

Since Jenna was born I've kept a little spiral notebook of feeding schedules, nap time routines, starting cereal, how often, what first foods I gave them, when they started sleeping through the night, list of first words, random thoughts I've had as I was experiencing things with them. This came in so handy when I had Ava so I had something to go off of for what was "normal." Parenting articles are great, and I reference them often, but this was my own guide for my own kids. How often was Jenna sick, and what did I do about it? When did she start taking more formula, how did I introduce baby food and cereal to her? I stopped most of the tracking for her at 18 months and we moved to St. Louis. I also like to think it helped Christie in some way when she had her first, so I could give her tips on how much formula or sleep Jenna and Ava were getting at 2 months old, etc. Of course how much of this information I maintained and for how long has shrunk down since Jared, as I'm not as anal and meticulous about tracking feedings and nap time. It just is what it is. I've also been nursing him and only do formula when I'm going to be out past his feeding time. So now I try to write down turning points, like when Ava went into Jenna's room and how that has progressed. Now that Jared has slept thru the night two nights in a row I think that's noteworthy. After a very beneficial MOPS meeting last month on what to purge and keep, it was a big eye opener and reminder of how much of my own childhood things I DON'T want to hold onto that I know the kids won't care about. Would they even care about this stuff down the road, would I care about it? Probably not. So...

Like I said in my first post, I'm not much of a journaler, but I would like something for the kids to look back at as I'm journeying through their childhood. I started writing in my spiral notebook this morning and then it hit me that physically writing was easier to get my wheels turning on what I can blog about instead of sitting at a blank text box on my blog. The last couple days I've hit a blogger's block. I've been "following" friends blogs that are a mile long, and I'm thinking what the heck can I write about for a whole page? My day to day is usually the same, not much new happens around here that would translate to a whole page. So I'm still adjusting to putting my thoughts down without it being too boring, but I am constantly in this comparison mode, with mothering, how I'm instructing my kids, being a wife, taking care of my home and now blogging! Why is that such a natural instinct for women to compare ourselves, our kids, our relationships? It's something I need to be proactive and conscious about NOT doing because then there is a fine line in thinking you need to be more like other people. So whether my thoughts fill a whole page or are just a paragraph, this is my blogspot. Not anyone else's. My thoughts, my plans, my life. So translating writing my experiences with the kids into this blogosphere is still a work in progress. But something is starting here...

One of those days

After getting what seemed like an eternity of sleep last night (5 hours), the morning started off as usual. This is my daily life...
7 a.m. Jenna and Ava are chatting away, Jared is stirring, I'm telling Jenna to go potty before she plays computer games. But I don't want to leave my room or even let Ava see me or she'll throw a fit that I didn't get her immediately after I left the room.
I need to grab a shower while I can because I won't have time during the day or feel like it at night. I'm being as quiet as I can to keep Ava calm. Done with the shower.
Ugh, I hear the video games but did not hear a toilet flush!
I get dressed while Ava is whining (because Jenna left her to play video games), again tell Jenna to go potty and help her, get Ava out of her crib. Jared's awake but being oh so good! I got in there to change Ava, put her down and of course she gets whiny if I don't take her immediately to the kitchen to eat. She needs to wait.
I head to the kitchen to start breakfast, Ava wants to "watch...go diego," but she has to settle for Dora.
Ava inevitably ends up at my feet whenever I am in the kitchen "ready?eat?" Jared's starting to cry to get out, girls are the table, get Jared, feed him, to the bouncy seat, do dishes while the girls finish, clean them up.
Cartoons on, the girls have play time, snack time rolls around.
After snacks, 10 a.m. Ava goes down for a nap. Jared takes a cat nap in the swing.
I draw leaf shapes on paper bags and let Jenna paint them to cut out later. I try to give her creative freedom but simulateously "teach" her how to not make a complete mess. Once she started painting I tried to just leave her alone or I know she'd be annoyed with me. She ends up smearing paint on her arms. I'm glad I didn't change her out of her pjs yet.
Let her watch some cartoons, Jared needs to eat at 11. Done. Quick pb&j lunch for Jenna and then start getting her ready.
It's a school day, picture day. Trying not to wake Ava up and dreading even the slightest creek in the floor as Jenna and I go to my bathroom to do her hair. I make her stay in my room while I tiptoe and get her change of clothes out of their room. Success! Ava doesn't wake up. She actually sleeps right until we need to start getting ready to go 12:10. Jared's in his car seat, I grab Ava and belt her in the car, Jenna's belted, and we're off. I don't know how many times I looked in the rear view mirror to make sure Jenna wasn't rubbing her hair or something. It was just a low side pony with her bangs swept to the side with pomade and clips, but doing the drop off at the school there's no way I could fix it if it got messed up. But it looked ok. Not so much the case at the end of the day. You know I asked her if her teachers fixed her hair for pictures. She said yes LOL
While Jenna was at school I brought Ava and Jared back home and had to fix Ava some lunch (since it was a grab and go after her nap). When she was done I started checking stuff online, but felt guilty for not taking advantage of our time to play...as she's climbing on my lap and wrapping her arms around my neck. So we go in what is now Jared's room (or the baby room) and read some books. Jared was laying on the floor, so I was sitting on my knees and started baby talking with him, but it was interrupted by Ava climbing on my back saying "ride" and then pulling the back of my pants down saying "poopy?" So I decide to actually let her get on my back for a pony ride, but she can't get back up successfully on her own and decides to whine about it and no longer wants to. We shared some snacks and just hung out. Jared took a big nap, got up to eat around 2:30. Left to pick up Jenna at 3:15. Home at 3:45. Jenna smelled the popcorn in the house and asked for some of her own. She wanted to watch a movie, so I put on CARS. She doesn't like the bull harvester part, so she decides to go hide out in her room until she was convinced that I really would skip past that part when it comes. Lance came home around 4:15, took a shower, I started dinner, again with Ava whining, hugging my legs, begging "eat?chair?ready?" Jared was cranky and fell asleep with Lance holding him. We are around 5:30, I took Jared from Lance so he could eat. I feed Jared, start picking up the house. Then I need to get ready to go to worship practice, Lance puts Ava down at 6:30, I'm out. Lance puts Jared down around 7:30 and Jenna. I need to stop at Walmart before I come home. For some reason I feel cramping but brave through it to then stop at the grocery store for Fitz's root beer and shortbread cookies just for Lance. Come home, watch some DVRs, about to pass out just typing this. I hope Jared sleeps a couple more hours. Sometimes it seems to me that "one of those days" is my every day. But I managed to finish the day without losing total control of myself, trying too much to control Jenna, not letting Ava get away with everything and control me, and love on my sweet boy. I love my life :)

French Fries

Saturday night Lance and I drove through a burger place for our dinner, we each got sandwiches and fries and were eating on the drive home. I was driving, so Lance had control of the fries. I was finished with my sandwich, and he was holding the little pouch of fries that he started on. I reached over to get some, and in an instant was reminded of that scene of "The Wedding Singer" where Drew Barrymore's fiance selfishly stole the window seat, completely disregarding her desire to look out the window (that she shared with Adam Sandler earlier). This moment gave me a new little glimpse into Lance's love for me. I had to laugh at myself on how profound I thought this moment was in comparison to the Wedding Singer! He allowed me to take some fries from his pouch without a flinch. The next time I reached he actually moved it closer to me so I could get some. His natural reaction to me was giving and unselfish. Thinking it would sound random and out of place to him, I said "I love you." His response, "You said that because I gave you french fries." :)

Nice

Tonight Lance took the girls out to friends house for play time, and I stayed home with Jared, trying to get over a cold. Other than when the kids are asleep it is never that quiet in the house! I just wanted to hold him, I had time to play peekaboo and take video, time to read him a little book before putting him down for bed, time to give him saline drops and do the aspirator for the him, run the nebulizer to give him albuterol to help with his chest congestion. These seem like simple things that you would just normally do, but for me to actually take the time out just for him and to do these simple things doesn't come often or easy with the girls running around demanding my attention. Jared's such an easy going baby I could put him anywhere, and he's fine. It reminded me of when it was just me and Jenna when she was a baby...so leisurely. I would just take her out to Babies R Us (with our disposable income that we totally took for granted), stroll around the mall by ourselves, whereever the day took us. So tonight was kind of flash back, then reality came home around 8:30. But I was surprisingly calmer than usual when two cranky girls need to get put down for bed late. Tonight reminded me to fully enjoy my time with each of my kids. They are so different, each so wonderful and completely fill my heart with joy.

Anti-union?

Saturday was a crazy day cleaning, taking care of the kids, trying to get out of the house to meet friends. First I will say that my husband is the best at helping with the kids and around the house. When we first got married I told him that I grew up with the house rule of whoever cooks doesn't have to do the dishes, and he said he was fine with that. Yay for me because he never cooks! And with all these pregnancies and when the babies were newborns I had legitimate reasons to not do heavy lifting, cleaning, etc. because I would get dizzy, couldn't carry laundry up and down the stairs, etc. Another yay for me over what has been the majority of our 5 year marriage. So I would hand off chores, and Lance would take them like a champ. I have to admit he spoiled me! He does some kind of dishes every day and is great with the laundry. I usually do the kids', but since he runs through clothes so quickly with going to work, the gym, showering and changing again, he is always doing ours. I try to get areas of the house cleaned during the week so that we don't have to pack it all in on a Saturday, but this particular weekend we had been letting things go during the week and just wanted to get everything done.

I used to be really particular about the cleaning but with him so willing to help, I try not to complain too much. He would probably say otherwise, though. So anyway, Lance likes to take a lot of sports/couch/coffee breaks when we're trying to get things done, which I hate because then things really won't get finished. My philosophy is to just keep going, get it done and not have to worry about it. Lance had started laundry, cleaned our bathroom and vacuumed all but the nursery. I was rearranging the nursery, taking Ava's old crib apart to go out to the garage and cleaning the girls' bathroom. The only things left were the kitchen floor and dusting. But I noticed that Lance disappeared! Well, he went down to the basement and halted the operation. Oh I huffed and puffed and made sure he heard me, but these things had to get finished. Have you ever thought of a whole conversation or of just the right quip over and over in your mind, figuring out just what to say to stick it to your spouse? Maybe it's just me. But then I had it! So I opened the basement door for what was probably the second or third time, after reminding him that I like to get things finished, and him saying he did enough and is done, and I said, "You should start a husband's union. You decide that you've done enough, and that's it, no matter what work is left." Now, I am not anti-union. My step-mom works for one, and in some instances they are great protection for employees. But I have also seen the flip side of laziness because people can't get fired. Some other background is that we always see Dollar Tree labor protestors on the corners, and Lance always says "We're not going to stop shopping at Dollar Tree because they're standing on the corner." LOL So I thought this union comment would really irritate him. Well did my complaining get him upstairs to help? Wives you know the answer, of course not! He was cranky the rest of the day because I had been nagging him.

Sarcasm is second-nature to me, but is so destructive. What a test of my will and hard-headedness. I realized that he does a lot more day to day than a lot of husbands, but I was spoiled. Not that I want to him to stop doing all of these things, but wow how I don't appreciate what he does do.

I love you Lance and am SO grateful for all that you do for our family above and beyond your call to duty :)

Simple Extravagance

Simple Extravagance...it seems like an oxymoron, but sometimes it is the simple that is overlooked...if it were just examined and paid attention to can reveal extravagance. We're singing a song on Sunday called "Center" by Charlie Hall and Matt Redman. Do you ever just listen to or sing songs out of habit or (in my case) out of necessity, and not really pay attention to the words? Well, a couple days ago I started listening to and singing this song getting ready for Sunday, and at face value seemed monotonous, kind of repetitive, not much to it because I was just learning how it went, how to sing it, etc. But what a challenge it is to me spiritually to make Christ the CENTER. It's easy to just say as a Christian, Christ is the center of my life. But intentionally, actively placing him there is different. He is what everything else revolves around, everyone was made FOR HIM, his glory, his reflection, he holds everything together.

Oh Christ, be the center of our lives
Be the place we fix our eyes
Be the center of our lives
You're the center of the universe
Everything was made for you, Jesus
Breath of every living thing
Everyone was made for you
You hold everything together
You hold everything together
We lift our eyes to heaven
And we wrap our lives around your life
We lift our eyes to heaven to you
Oh Christ, be the center of our lives
Be the place we fix our eyes
Be the center of our lives
(And turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in his wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of his glory and grace)

Moving up and out

7:30 p.m. Sleepless nights seem to be the norm around here with Jared, but today we moved Ava to Jenna's room. Jenna has been a little afraid of her room at night, so I'm hoping it will help now that she's no longer alone in there. Adjustments to the bedtime routine need to be made, Ava goes down earlier, and I usually read and/or lay with Jenna at bed time. This will be interesting. Jared is moving to Ava's room. Here's hoping that will help his sleep (or non-sleep) situation. I got all of Ava's clothes switched to the "girls' room." That just sounds so cute to me. I am even more eager now to turn Ava's powder pink room with butterflies and flowers into a boy room! Know anyone who's looking for a girls nursery decor set? :)

8:30 p.m. I started this earlier and am just getting back to it. Well, sleepless nights seem like they'll continue to be the norm as Jenna and Ava are awake making each other laugh and talking/yelling at each other. It is the cutest but also the most frustrating part of my day! We threatened and almost took Ava out to go back in her room and Jenna had a complete meltdown with tears and "Don't take her, she's my friend!!!" How could I take her out at that point? Lance has given up and gone to bed. I'm giving all I have to not rip into Jenna right now and take Ava out. Jenna is singing, "Sing, Sing, Sing" by Chris Tomlin. Ava is yelling back at her. Jenna is telling her words to repeat over and over. Ava is throwing her pacifier and blankets out saying "uh oh." Then silence? Ava is egging Jenna on, will she take the bait? One minute record so far...

9:30 p.m. Update - Lance can't go to sleep, he moved Ava. I stayed out of it, but Jenna is crying "Don't take away my sister, please bring her back." I'm crying too but didn't let her see so she'd think me and Lance were in agreement. :-\

Live and Let Laugh

It comes in waves, the cloud over my brain, the blur that is my perspective, the looming headache. When it does, the patience for the whining wears thin, and the time outs come quickly. On these days, after the 2 o'clock lull, I find myself checking the clock more often, thinking that will make 4:30 come sooner. Thankfully today my relief came at 4:15 instead. Even though it was only 15 minutes, my heart lightly leapt when Ava ran to the door and yelled, "Daddy!"

The day started out fine, the girls woke up after 7, we went to McDonalds with friends where they could get their energy out, and then the struggle of nap time for Jenna began. I would not settle for anything less than her staying in bed during this time. An hour later, after yelling at her for picking her nose and eating it right in front of me, most of the toys that she decided to play with out of her bed got taken out of her room, her nap time friend "blankie" got taken away, the baby gate had gone up so she couldn't close her door, I officially did not care anymore. But at least Ava slept for 2 hours, and Jenna didn't pee on the carpet while she was trapped in her room.

I've come to realize that Jenna also has dumping issues. If a couple crayons fall out of the container, for some reason they all have to get dumped. This also applies to Ava's cheerios that Jenna accidentally knocked over and the dixie cup of paint water that accidentally got knocked over. WHY must the containers be emptied? My sanity could just be spared if she picked up the container where it lay. Maybe I'll try the "freeze!" method as soon as something gets knocked over instead of the blabbering and running over there to try and stop the inevitable.

The latest time out at 4:10 came after Jenna had been told repeatedly not to take her sister's snack, did just that. The timer was set for 4 minutes, she was still in the chair in the middle of the living room when Lance came home, but she had to wait for the usual welcome home hug until the timer went off. It was during these 4 minutes I was on the couch, and I noticed Jenna had a little plush bat that she got from her Grammy for Halloween. Out of nowhere she pointed it at me and made a grunting noise. I could not stop myself...I burst out laughing. While one part of me wanted to scold her for this "attack" on me because she was mad about being in time out, I couldn't help it. Lance asked what she was doing, and of course she was "being a bat."

The evening is approaching, Lance is playing with the girls, Jared is swinging away, and I am writing this in peace and can laugh at my own foolishness of trying to make my kid anything other than that, a kid.

The Unlikely Nurturer

As a baby, my firstborn Jenna was the sweetest, entertaining from the start and the easiest baby I could've asked for. And thank God for that with my first because I endured a painful, difficult, postpartum. But she loved cuddling, would fall asleep anywhere and would love to be rocked. As a little toddler it took her a while to really get her thoughts into words, so she was kind of a push-over, but she listened, loved and wanted to please.

When my second child, Ava, was born, I knew right away that she was a middle child. I thought for a while that I was good with two kids, then SURPRISE, there was Jared. I just knew it, though, because she was immediately an attention grabber, not seeker, but grabber. There was no way she would allow herself to be overlooked or not heard. A total opposite of Jenna, she would not be held for long periods of time, be rocked to sleep or left alone very long. She was very particular about everything. If something wasn't done to her liking you would hear about it in whining, yelling and screaming. For example, when she started eating regular food, she had to immediately be taken from her changing table to high chair in the morning or after naptime with some snacks while her food was being prepared. There was no putting her down to walk to the kitchen or delay in getting her there. She's almost 18 months, and the last few days we've been trying to break this now that she's in a booster and not the high chair. She has to wait just like Jenna for breakfast. She is just as hilarious and entertaining as Jenna, but definitely unique.

In looking and comparing the two girls, Ava was the most unlikely, to me, to be the loving "mommy" type. Maybe it's the closeness in age to Jared and the fact that Jenna was forced to share at an older age when it had just been her for almost 3 years. No matter what it was, Ava has changed my perception and assumptions of how harsh of a personality she would have in these past few months watching her with Jared. While she naturally doesn't know her own strength or that rolling and crawling over Jared will hurt him, she wants to be near him, give him his pacifier when he's crying, give him kisses, help me change his diaper, throw him the ball while he's in his bouncy seat, and in the last week take care of all of JENNA'S baby dolls. They are the ones that she's allowed to carry around, feed and put wherever she wants, so she does. She puts them in the bouncy seat, on the playmat, in the car seat. Things that I just assumed Jenna would have done when Ava was born. Don't get me wrong, Jenna is such a great helper when asked. She'll go get me a diaper or put the baby's clothes in the hamper, but would rather play by herself and not volunteer her baby services.

I do so love that Ava has become the unlikely nurturer, is so much sweeter than I thought she would be as a picky, difficult baby, and, while she gives me that little sneaky smile when she's pushing her boundaries, she is so loving and the perfect little helper for Jared.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. -Psalm 139:13-18 (NIV)

Journal, poetry, song, blog - the evolution of organized thought

I've never been much of a journaler. I tried once, but felt weird just talking to myself in a notebook where only I would ever read it...but I know that I never would have again after I wrote it down. Now I'm actually talking to people, well maybe, if people actually read this :) When I was younger I used to love writing poems, then it became a rant of thoughts that I would restructure into songs. Some of you know that one of my thoughts on paper became my wedding song gift to Lance. Maybe I'll share more here. I guess if they ever went anywhere, the posts here could serve as copyright :) I do miss getting my thoughts out. Hopefully it won't appear just as ranting, but would be thought-inspiring or at the very least, worth the read. We shall see...