King of Anything

During our vacation I was so glad that we had our XM. One song that I heard on the way down and back was "King of Anything." This was hilarious to me as it was a vivid reflection of a past relationship and inspired me to draft my own song while everyone was asleep as I drove. Although the more I listen to it and watch the video I see it from the perspective of a person being "preached at." To each his own interpretation. But here's the link.

http://www.rhapsody.com/player?type=undefined&id=tra.40373590&remote=undefined&page=undefined&pageregion=undefined&guid=undefined&from=undefined&__pcode=

Making up for lost time

Ahhhh, back to the blog after a week off in Texas. It was a much-needed change of pace in the country at Lance's parent's. Jared and I were the last ones to join the rest of the gang in the morningg, I had time to take a shower every day, I didn't have to entertain the kids all day every day...and of course the kids got to spend quality time with the grandparents. We decided to split up the 10 1/2 hour trip into two days, so we left on Saturday the 20th, stopped in Little Rock, AR and got to Texas on Sunday. The kids did suprisingly WONDERFUL the entire trip down. I think Ava whined for a total of 30 seconds on the second day. This is mostly thanks to the built in DVD player in the van as we turned Ava around to see the screen, so the two girls couldn't see each other to communicate. The only exception to their wonderfulness was the hotel stay. That was enough to give me a huge headache. We all got to bed at 9:45. We leisurely got up and drove Sunday morning.

During that day's trip we stopped for lunch in Texarkana, about 2 hours from the Clifton's, and a man in his late 20's approaches the van before we close the doors to drive off. Lance was the only one outside the van, but Jared's door was opened. The man didn't look homeless but he was asking for money. He said was staying at the Salvation Army, which has a two free nights then it's $8 a day. Lance offers to get him food, but he says they feed him there. So Lance offers to contact Salvation Army to cover a couple nights instead of giving him money. He was surprised by this gesture, but ended up declining. So we assume that he was strategically located outside the liquor store for a reason, so we didn't give him any money. Well, I felt kind of bad if he ended up sleeping on the street and we could've done something. So we call the Salvation Army, but they didn't know of anyone staying there by the man's name. I have the bright idea to track the place down and leave a donation for someone to stay beyond their free nights, and if that guy showed up great. After about 30 minutes of finding the place, a staffer at Salvation Army kindly told me that they can't accept cash, but this guy that came up to us was probably scamming us. So I head out feeling bad that I couldn't do more, but we tried. THEN, as we're heading off Lance tells me he remembers another part of the conversation. While they were talking in the parking lot the guy takes notice that we're from out of town and asks Lance if he knows who gypsies are. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Lance tell him he does, and the man tells him that's who he's with. First of all, knowing this at the beginning of this goose chase would've deterred me and eased my guilt for not being able to help this guy out. Like I said, he didn't look homeless, but here I am thinking maybe he got evicted, lost his job, something!!! But no, he is willfully out on the street, hitting people up for money. And btw I found out that Salvation Army has 3 free nights and is $6/day after that. Needless to say I was just hoping I would see that guy walking down the street so I could yell at him and sarcastically correct his scam information. Oh well.

Anyway...the kids had a nice trip of fishing, playing with the dogs, running around and playing ball outside, eating out, and hotel fun (for them not us).

We left Friday morning heading for Memphis. Now I didn't have time to book our hotel night, so Lance did it from his parent's house. It wasn't until we were on our way that I realized it was 30 minutes completely out of the way from our route home in south Memphis. On top of that we couldn't find a decent place to eat near the hotel, and ended up getting the kids Wendy's cheeseburgers and milk, and we had some apples with us. It was also a bath night, so the kids didn't have a whole lot of time to run around the room before bed. After Lance made the last trip up from the car he tells me that there's a sign stating a strict "no noise" policy at the hotel. Apparently there is a whole floor reserved for the railway workers, they work all shifts and have this policy in place mainly for them. As you can imagine, any peep from the kids sent me into panic mode thinking we were going to get kicked out with 3 kids at any moment. We also filled Jenna in on this information as we would be "sleeping in the car all night if she keeps yelling and messing with Ava." My panic shifted into high gear at 12 a.m., 2:30 a.m., 5:30 a.m., all times that Jared woke up screaming his head off. I felt conflicted by my sympathy for his gas pains and shrill cries and my desire for him to shut up before we got kicked out on the street in the middle of the night. At these times Ava also woke up crying. By 6:30 a.m. I had probably gotten 3 good hours of sleep and the rest were worthless. Jenna was waking up, Ava was passed out and we left her that way until her and her pack n play were the last things to get out the door. Under normal circumstances we would've taken our time packing up, taking showers, etc., but we HAD to get out of that hotel before I lost my mind! We ate breakfast at the restaurant as quickly as possible with three kids and were off! About 4 1/2 hours to go, not including the stops. The kids did pretty well again, mostly whiny the last couple hours, Ava specifically. We stopped by our friends to get our garage door opener, as they took out our trash cans while we were gone, made a milk, bread and eggs stop at the store and were ALL relieved and happy to be home sweet home.

Love Unconditional

We've been doing a parenting study with our small group about 10 Bibilical traits that "our kids will thank us for." It's in a format where you see all types of parents and children that are ultimately dealing with the same issues. While it's been one of those "thank God it's not just my kids" moments many times watching the DVD, it's also really made me examine how I am instructing and shaping my children. That last session we watched really focused on unconditional love. Of course I know that I love my kids unconditionally, but do they know that? When I yell at Jenna for yet again having an accident in her pants and basically saying it's your fault your behind is irritated now...when she isn't moving fast enough to get her shoes on...when she's playing with Ava but then closes the door on her fingers??? And then I wonder why she tells me the other day, as I'm doing my hair and makeup, that she needs to put some makeup on too and do her hair because it's not good enough. What?? Where on earth did she get that idea? Did someone else tell her that? I proceeded to tell her that she is beautiful and doesn't need makeup to make her "better". But I also understood that she wanted to just because I was. So I gave her a little brush of light finishing powder and let her put some on. Hearing my child say that in some way she isn't good enough breaks my heart. But even as I'm typing this tons of my own responses to her "messing up" are coming back to me. I tell her I love her all the time, and she tells me too. But watching that last study session really challenged me show my kids that they are my joy, they are wanted, they are loved. It's not to stay that I won't get angry, because that still happens often and kids have that affect at times, but I rarely follow-up with loving words or display forgiveness as I know I am forgiven by my Father daily!! Time and time again I realize that my remaining calm sets the tone for their behavior throughout the day. When I am flustered, easily angered and annoyed, yelling, short and rude, can I really be surprised when that's how Jenna acts? The only difference is, I can punish her for it. Now I do believe God has granted me authority over my children, but how quickly I forget that He is my authority. I feel hypocritical to continually be telling her to speak nicely, to not talk back, to look at me when I talk to her when I don't display the forgiveness, acceptance, grace and unconditional love that God has covered me with. He is our safe-haven, our shelter. We have this confidence in Him and can, therefore, trust Him with our security and welfare. I want to display that and instill that in my children. He designed and created me to be their mother, no one else. How will I use that blessing, that authority? Will I rise to the challenge today or just get through the day?

"The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; 'Great is Your faithfulness. The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, Therefore I have hope in Him." -Lamentations 3:22-24.

Always the last to go...

Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time in 5 months. I had made an attempt at 6 weeks postpartum, but was dizzy, sore and not ready at all. And that was my first workout since about 6 weeks pregnant :) I've been putting it off, and nursing is the only thing that has helped take some of my pregnancy weight off. I've been so unmotivated to workout that I even saw BED leg lifts that you can do for your abs but haven't yet. At this point, my hips have closed up to normal position, the cellulite under my arms is redistributing, and the last time I checked I was about 10 pounds to my prepregnancy weight and about 20 pounds to my wedding weight. Anyway, I can fit into most of my regular underwear, so that was an accomplishment in itself. I have a whole bin of clothes in the basement that I revisit every couple weeks to see how I'm doing on my own. Well, needless to say, now that Jared is eating less often and started cereal, I've hit a wall. No significant gain that I've noticed but not losing anything either. But my biggest problem area is my belly right now, as Jenna innocently pointed out the other day in asking, "Why do you have such a big belly?" I also love as I'm bending down to get the kids bath ready, "Mommy's butt is big." Nice.

Ever since I've lived on my own and even had to care about my weight (post 21 or so) I refused to purchase a scale. The only time I weigh myself is...well, at my doctor's office, my sister's house in Virginia, maybe the gym if I'm brave, but again I haven't been there in 5 months, and the last time was a few weeks ago at the one in the mall bathroom. But I was PMSing and bloated, so I gave myself a 2 pound window. To me, if I know I'm eating well, besides the occasional McArthur's fruit tart and Schnucks fall cookies, I try not to stress about my diet. I pretty much eat what and when the kids do because I incorporate food groups, portion control and try to make good decisions for them. Not to mention Lance has been working out consistently since I met him, so I want to keep him looking good :) But all this is more than I would say for myself if it were just me I was cooking for.

I briefly celebrated when I could squeeze into some old jeans without looking like a spilled over bowl of risen dough, but that didn't last long. Belly fat is one of the biggest problem areas for men and women, and I personally am tired of lifting my crease to wash in the shower or it protruding underneath my waistline. You other moms might know what I'm talking about. Growing up with a personal trainer in the house, and also thankful my dad never nagged me about my ups and downs with my weight, I've always known what I need to do, it was just a matter of getting up and doing it. At home workouts don't work for me, unless I had a treadmill where I could watch tv. That's about all I would do at home. There's something about getting out of the house and doing something for myself that is such a much needed change of pace from my day-to-day. So I bit the bullet and went to the gym. A part of me felt back at home, some normalcy, my old self. I am a wife and mother and consider myself extremely blessed by and in having my family, but for an hour and a half I was just Carrie, and it was nice. While my legs are sore and calves are tight today I already feel better. Now just to keep it up :)

Squeeze the cheeks

No I'm not referring to Jane Fonda's workout, but what else? Babies! It won't be long before my last child is rolling over consistently, starting to crawl, cruise and walk...when his little feet won't be kissable because they'll be dirty, which, in Ava's case, is proof that I need to clean my hardwood more often. I love babies, mine in particular. I can squeeze them, cuddle them and kiss their feet without being considered a weirdo, except to Lance who is anti-baby feet kissing. It already makes me sad when I hold Jared and can tell that he's getting bigger or even holding him imagining him as big as Jenna, talking back, throwing fits, and I fear I won't want to cuddle him as much. It's just painful to have Jenna jumping on me, kneeing me. I hate feeling annoyed by my kids, I wish they could stay babies forever. There will be a time when Jared's chubby cheeks will be cute in a big kid way but not the same. Jenna's still got her adorable cheeks, but they're different compared to Ava's, whose always make me laugh when they bounce in rhythm to her running down the hallway. Now I wouldn't say I have a foot fetish or anything, but what is it about baby feet? This morning I was kissing Jared's feet, and he start cracking up in his cute nasaly, baby chuckle. I put his little feet on my face, and he crinkled his toes to squeeze my cheeks. It was the cutest thing. There is nothing that makes my heart swell and put a smile on my face like the laughter of my children and them crawling into my lap to cuddle. I just can't help but take in Ava and Jared's baby breath and press their cheeks against mine. I did read somewhere that when babies feel contact on their faces or foreheads it gives them a sense of comfort and security. I love resting my head on theirs as we rock or read a book, and of course squeezing those chubby cheeks!

Let's get somethin' started...

Since Jenna was born I've kept a little spiral notebook of feeding schedules, nap time routines, starting cereal, how often, what first foods I gave them, when they started sleeping through the night, list of first words, random thoughts I've had as I was experiencing things with them. This came in so handy when I had Ava so I had something to go off of for what was "normal." Parenting articles are great, and I reference them often, but this was my own guide for my own kids. How often was Jenna sick, and what did I do about it? When did she start taking more formula, how did I introduce baby food and cereal to her? I stopped most of the tracking for her at 18 months and we moved to St. Louis. I also like to think it helped Christie in some way when she had her first, so I could give her tips on how much formula or sleep Jenna and Ava were getting at 2 months old, etc. Of course how much of this information I maintained and for how long has shrunk down since Jared, as I'm not as anal and meticulous about tracking feedings and nap time. It just is what it is. I've also been nursing him and only do formula when I'm going to be out past his feeding time. So now I try to write down turning points, like when Ava went into Jenna's room and how that has progressed. Now that Jared has slept thru the night two nights in a row I think that's noteworthy. After a very beneficial MOPS meeting last month on what to purge and keep, it was a big eye opener and reminder of how much of my own childhood things I DON'T want to hold onto that I know the kids won't care about. Would they even care about this stuff down the road, would I care about it? Probably not. So...

Like I said in my first post, I'm not much of a journaler, but I would like something for the kids to look back at as I'm journeying through their childhood. I started writing in my spiral notebook this morning and then it hit me that physically writing was easier to get my wheels turning on what I can blog about instead of sitting at a blank text box on my blog. The last couple days I've hit a blogger's block. I've been "following" friends blogs that are a mile long, and I'm thinking what the heck can I write about for a whole page? My day to day is usually the same, not much new happens around here that would translate to a whole page. So I'm still adjusting to putting my thoughts down without it being too boring, but I am constantly in this comparison mode, with mothering, how I'm instructing my kids, being a wife, taking care of my home and now blogging! Why is that such a natural instinct for women to compare ourselves, our kids, our relationships? It's something I need to be proactive and conscious about NOT doing because then there is a fine line in thinking you need to be more like other people. So whether my thoughts fill a whole page or are just a paragraph, this is my blogspot. Not anyone else's. My thoughts, my plans, my life. So translating writing my experiences with the kids into this blogosphere is still a work in progress. But something is starting here...

One of those days

After getting what seemed like an eternity of sleep last night (5 hours), the morning started off as usual. This is my daily life...
7 a.m. Jenna and Ava are chatting away, Jared is stirring, I'm telling Jenna to go potty before she plays computer games. But I don't want to leave my room or even let Ava see me or she'll throw a fit that I didn't get her immediately after I left the room.
I need to grab a shower while I can because I won't have time during the day or feel like it at night. I'm being as quiet as I can to keep Ava calm. Done with the shower.
Ugh, I hear the video games but did not hear a toilet flush!
I get dressed while Ava is whining (because Jenna left her to play video games), again tell Jenna to go potty and help her, get Ava out of her crib. Jared's awake but being oh so good! I got in there to change Ava, put her down and of course she gets whiny if I don't take her immediately to the kitchen to eat. She needs to wait.
I head to the kitchen to start breakfast, Ava wants to "watch...go diego," but she has to settle for Dora.
Ava inevitably ends up at my feet whenever I am in the kitchen "ready?eat?" Jared's starting to cry to get out, girls are the table, get Jared, feed him, to the bouncy seat, do dishes while the girls finish, clean them up.
Cartoons on, the girls have play time, snack time rolls around.
After snacks, 10 a.m. Ava goes down for a nap. Jared takes a cat nap in the swing.
I draw leaf shapes on paper bags and let Jenna paint them to cut out later. I try to give her creative freedom but simulateously "teach" her how to not make a complete mess. Once she started painting I tried to just leave her alone or I know she'd be annoyed with me. She ends up smearing paint on her arms. I'm glad I didn't change her out of her pjs yet.
Let her watch some cartoons, Jared needs to eat at 11. Done. Quick pb&j lunch for Jenna and then start getting her ready.
It's a school day, picture day. Trying not to wake Ava up and dreading even the slightest creek in the floor as Jenna and I go to my bathroom to do her hair. I make her stay in my room while I tiptoe and get her change of clothes out of their room. Success! Ava doesn't wake up. She actually sleeps right until we need to start getting ready to go 12:10. Jared's in his car seat, I grab Ava and belt her in the car, Jenna's belted, and we're off. I don't know how many times I looked in the rear view mirror to make sure Jenna wasn't rubbing her hair or something. It was just a low side pony with her bangs swept to the side with pomade and clips, but doing the drop off at the school there's no way I could fix it if it got messed up. But it looked ok. Not so much the case at the end of the day. You know I asked her if her teachers fixed her hair for pictures. She said yes LOL
While Jenna was at school I brought Ava and Jared back home and had to fix Ava some lunch (since it was a grab and go after her nap). When she was done I started checking stuff online, but felt guilty for not taking advantage of our time to play...as she's climbing on my lap and wrapping her arms around my neck. So we go in what is now Jared's room (or the baby room) and read some books. Jared was laying on the floor, so I was sitting on my knees and started baby talking with him, but it was interrupted by Ava climbing on my back saying "ride" and then pulling the back of my pants down saying "poopy?" So I decide to actually let her get on my back for a pony ride, but she can't get back up successfully on her own and decides to whine about it and no longer wants to. We shared some snacks and just hung out. Jared took a big nap, got up to eat around 2:30. Left to pick up Jenna at 3:15. Home at 3:45. Jenna smelled the popcorn in the house and asked for some of her own. She wanted to watch a movie, so I put on CARS. She doesn't like the bull harvester part, so she decides to go hide out in her room until she was convinced that I really would skip past that part when it comes. Lance came home around 4:15, took a shower, I started dinner, again with Ava whining, hugging my legs, begging "eat?chair?ready?" Jared was cranky and fell asleep with Lance holding him. We are around 5:30, I took Jared from Lance so he could eat. I feed Jared, start picking up the house. Then I need to get ready to go to worship practice, Lance puts Ava down at 6:30, I'm out. Lance puts Jared down around 7:30 and Jenna. I need to stop at Walmart before I come home. For some reason I feel cramping but brave through it to then stop at the grocery store for Fitz's root beer and shortbread cookies just for Lance. Come home, watch some DVRs, about to pass out just typing this. I hope Jared sleeps a couple more hours. Sometimes it seems to me that "one of those days" is my every day. But I managed to finish the day without losing total control of myself, trying too much to control Jenna, not letting Ava get away with everything and control me, and love on my sweet boy. I love my life :)

French Fries

Saturday night Lance and I drove through a burger place for our dinner, we each got sandwiches and fries and were eating on the drive home. I was driving, so Lance had control of the fries. I was finished with my sandwich, and he was holding the little pouch of fries that he started on. I reached over to get some, and in an instant was reminded of that scene of "The Wedding Singer" where Drew Barrymore's fiance selfishly stole the window seat, completely disregarding her desire to look out the window (that she shared with Adam Sandler earlier). This moment gave me a new little glimpse into Lance's love for me. I had to laugh at myself on how profound I thought this moment was in comparison to the Wedding Singer! He allowed me to take some fries from his pouch without a flinch. The next time I reached he actually moved it closer to me so I could get some. His natural reaction to me was giving and unselfish. Thinking it would sound random and out of place to him, I said "I love you." His response, "You said that because I gave you french fries." :)

Nice

Tonight Lance took the girls out to friends house for play time, and I stayed home with Jared, trying to get over a cold. Other than when the kids are asleep it is never that quiet in the house! I just wanted to hold him, I had time to play peekaboo and take video, time to read him a little book before putting him down for bed, time to give him saline drops and do the aspirator for the him, run the nebulizer to give him albuterol to help with his chest congestion. These seem like simple things that you would just normally do, but for me to actually take the time out just for him and to do these simple things doesn't come often or easy with the girls running around demanding my attention. Jared's such an easy going baby I could put him anywhere, and he's fine. It reminded me of when it was just me and Jenna when she was a baby...so leisurely. I would just take her out to Babies R Us (with our disposable income that we totally took for granted), stroll around the mall by ourselves, whereever the day took us. So tonight was kind of flash back, then reality came home around 8:30. But I was surprisingly calmer than usual when two cranky girls need to get put down for bed late. Tonight reminded me to fully enjoy my time with each of my kids. They are so different, each so wonderful and completely fill my heart with joy.

Anti-union?

Saturday was a crazy day cleaning, taking care of the kids, trying to get out of the house to meet friends. First I will say that my husband is the best at helping with the kids and around the house. When we first got married I told him that I grew up with the house rule of whoever cooks doesn't have to do the dishes, and he said he was fine with that. Yay for me because he never cooks! And with all these pregnancies and when the babies were newborns I had legitimate reasons to not do heavy lifting, cleaning, etc. because I would get dizzy, couldn't carry laundry up and down the stairs, etc. Another yay for me over what has been the majority of our 5 year marriage. So I would hand off chores, and Lance would take them like a champ. I have to admit he spoiled me! He does some kind of dishes every day and is great with the laundry. I usually do the kids', but since he runs through clothes so quickly with going to work, the gym, showering and changing again, he is always doing ours. I try to get areas of the house cleaned during the week so that we don't have to pack it all in on a Saturday, but this particular weekend we had been letting things go during the week and just wanted to get everything done.

I used to be really particular about the cleaning but with him so willing to help, I try not to complain too much. He would probably say otherwise, though. So anyway, Lance likes to take a lot of sports/couch/coffee breaks when we're trying to get things done, which I hate because then things really won't get finished. My philosophy is to just keep going, get it done and not have to worry about it. Lance had started laundry, cleaned our bathroom and vacuumed all but the nursery. I was rearranging the nursery, taking Ava's old crib apart to go out to the garage and cleaning the girls' bathroom. The only things left were the kitchen floor and dusting. But I noticed that Lance disappeared! Well, he went down to the basement and halted the operation. Oh I huffed and puffed and made sure he heard me, but these things had to get finished. Have you ever thought of a whole conversation or of just the right quip over and over in your mind, figuring out just what to say to stick it to your spouse? Maybe it's just me. But then I had it! So I opened the basement door for what was probably the second or third time, after reminding him that I like to get things finished, and him saying he did enough and is done, and I said, "You should start a husband's union. You decide that you've done enough, and that's it, no matter what work is left." Now, I am not anti-union. My step-mom works for one, and in some instances they are great protection for employees. But I have also seen the flip side of laziness because people can't get fired. Some other background is that we always see Dollar Tree labor protestors on the corners, and Lance always says "We're not going to stop shopping at Dollar Tree because they're standing on the corner." LOL So I thought this union comment would really irritate him. Well did my complaining get him upstairs to help? Wives you know the answer, of course not! He was cranky the rest of the day because I had been nagging him.

Sarcasm is second-nature to me, but is so destructive. What a test of my will and hard-headedness. I realized that he does a lot more day to day than a lot of husbands, but I was spoiled. Not that I want to him to stop doing all of these things, but wow how I don't appreciate what he does do.

I love you Lance and am SO grateful for all that you do for our family above and beyond your call to duty :)