No I'm talking about TV, so I would advise men to turn right around here. I'm talking about breastfeeding. They say not to write when you're emotional, but who cares, this is why I have a blog. It might sound like rambling, though. It's late, and I'm VERY emotional. For a while now, Jared has only been nursing for 5 minutes total. He is in the 25th percentile. I thought it was 50th, but discovered this at his last checkup for an ear infection. I know he's just a little guy, but the fact that he just doesn't nurse very long and is so little is disturbing to me. He is fine when I'm full, but he doesn't want to work for it anymore. He has always taken to the bottle when we've needed to give him one, so I know the transition to bottle will be great for him. Me, on the other, not so much. With Jenna we were supplementing with formula from the beginning, she was always in the top percentiles and is still tall and healthy. Ava is average-to-upper and loves to eat! I made it to 5 weeks just nursing with her, and the transition to bottle was just fine. It's what I knew, bottles for my babies. In the beginning with Jared, I would pump but mostly nurse. It was just in the last couple months that we started incorporating formula so Lance could feel him, I could go out by myself, etc. The last couple nights Lance has gotten Jared for his 3 a.m. feeding, and I've actually gotten full nights of sleep. Awesome.
Then...we went out to the store to buy formula. I was a little sad and teary-eyed this morning that he wouldn't "need me anymore." I was talking to Lance about church tomorrow and my needing to leave the sanctuary to feed Jared, and I realized mid-sentence that I wouldn't. The main reason for switching is that I do not think he was getting enough from me. He is not a big complainer, even when he is hungry, so I couldn't rely on him screaming in hunger. One day he went 5 hours between feedings during the day. I was waiting for him to give me a cue that he was hungry, but it didn't happen. Unacceptable to me :) So he really needs me and my decision making for his well-being more than my milk at this point. The other day I nursed him, then gave him 3 ounces of formula in a bottle, and I literally felt JOYFUL, successful and happy for him!
Tonight he had a bottle around 6. I thought I could at least alternate feedings with the bottle and nursing. I made plans to go out to a friend's house to watch a movie. I asked Lance not to give him a bottle, but wait until I got home at 10. I made it at 10:15 because I had to stop at the store. I had a feeling while I was driving, and was already getting upset, that there would be a bottle on the table when I walked in. I was right and pissed. There it was on the table. I walked down the hall, Lance had just put Jared down, I asked the obvious question, "Did you give him a bottle?" He said Jared starting yelling at 9:45, so I don't blame him for feeding the child obviously, but then he says I can feed him when he wakes up next time. FYI, if you don't use it you lose it when it comes to nursing. It had already been 8 hours since I fed him last. I totally broke down rushing off to the bathroom and all! Then I was in a mad panic to sterilize all the pump equipment and get pumping. To my (sort of) surprise I got about 2 1/2 ounces. This was just as disheartening as Lance giving him a bottle because that means Jared wouldn't have gotten much from me anyway. I did pump a week or so ago and got the same result but thought upping my water, etc. would help. Nope. Now, I know there are supplements and things you can take to help increase your milk supply, but he is just not interested. Afterall, he has two sisters running around that provide more entertainment that having to work for food :)
After the girls, I never thought I would become so committed to nursing this long. It really has created a bond between me and Jared. I'm ready to start crying just typing this. But I will simply end for tonight, enjoy my night's sleep, be grateful that he (and the girls) will get better sleep by hopefully eliminating one of his night time feedings. I am proud to have gone as long as I have, and I know Jared and I will both be better for it. So, the boob tube is getting shut off.
You did great. You went a lot longer than most people do. And btw, your kids will "need" you for the rest of their lives, in some capacity. Maybe Jared's done with the boob, but little boys are MOMMA's boys and this is not a breaking of the bond...you're just on to the next type of needs and you will still continue to bond in other ways, even more deeply than you did through breastfeeding. It's really OK. And don't let anyone (including yourself) tell you otherwise.
ReplyDeleteI know it's emotional. I had supply issues from the beginning with T and felt like I was failing him. Then I came to terms with the fact that we'd just have to supplement with formula. Even so, when I finally stopped nursing him around 7 months, I was an emotional basket case. I couldn't produce enough to feed him and that felt like failure. It's obvious you love your children and want what's best for them. And even though that may not mean continuing to breastfeed, the love will show in other ways. Feeling your emotion...even now. Blessings to you.
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies ;) Mentally I know it's all ok. I think it's the letting go of this aspect because he's the last child. Trying to lessen the wallowing :)
ReplyDelete