Carrie: The Next Chapter

"Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him Jabez, saying, 'I gave birth to him in pain.' Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, 'Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from evil that I may not cause pain.' And God granted his request." -1Chronicles 4:9-10

This verse has been a personal favorite of mine for many years. Even today it speaks new things to me. Oh how He has blessed me, enlarged my territory (area of influence and responsibilities) this year. I pray often that it would be His hands working through me because I cannot do anything in my own strength. Oh how He has spared me that I may not cause or endure pain.

The past year and a half have been a huge struggle for me emotionally. Well, really, since I had Jared. I've learned that personal struggles are not that at all, they affect those around you. For me, it's been my kids. Thank God for a rock of a husband who is understanding, patient and not easily moved by my craziness. I've felt like a shaken can of soda ready to burst as soon as one of my children did something that set me off. I seriously think my hormones were totally thrown out of whack. Call it PPD, PMDD, anxiety, whatever. Accompanied with fatigue and migraines, this did not bode well for the loving, nurturing, supportive home that I aspired to have for my family. I don't have unrealistic, perfect expectations, but something had to give. I've gotten some medicinal assistance, which has also been a struggle since I hate taking medication, but there came a time when I would do anything to stabilize my sanity and the emotional and physical security of my family.

So now that I feel half-way normal, we decided to home-school and got a puppy.  :)

The less complex decision first:

We always said we'd wait until Jared was 5 to get any kind of pet, that was the goal...until we went to Texas for Christmas and almost came home with a puppy. We didn't, and I literally (a little ashamedly) cried most of the 13 hour drive back. It's so silly now, it was just a puppy, maybe it was baby fever, I don't know. But I was eventually able to move on from the situation. THEN we decided to go to Purina Farms over Easter where a local rescue had brought puppies to play with. It was a sign I tell you! It was a good thing they didn't do on-the-spot adoptions, but I did throw out some pouty guilt to Lance about our first missed puppy opportunity.

The rescue idea stuck with me. When we got home I started looking into local rescues that had puppies. It was really more like window shopping because I knew we wouldn't actually take the time to go to any of them. Well, last weekend we were on the way to the park with some cranky kids, we took our usual route past Wal-Mart and Petco where I glanced and saw an interesting red and yellow sign out front. I couldn't read it, but my curiosity was struck. We pulled in, and it was adoption day. The kids always love to see animals, so this would be a good pit stop. There were a bunch of puppies. Some of them looked familiar, so I asked where they were from. The woman gave me the name and city, and I immediately knew they were one of the places I bookmarked online. Another sign I tell you! We got to hold some for a donation, we walked around a little, but the kids were still itching to go to the park before it got dark. The adoption was also cash only, so we couldn't do anything right then. We had a little bit of time to really think about it. Lance said ok. By the time we left the park we had enough time to get cash and go to back to Petco before she packed up the puppies! I knew exactly which one I wanted, and of course Jenna was OVER THE MOON. She's been wanting a dog for at least 2 years. She had one in mind, but said she didn't care what color it was, she just wanted a puppy. And that was that. The puppy still had to get spayed, which the rescue took care of, so we had a few days to prepare the house some. What I wasn't prepared for was the sleep deprivation of potty training. It's been a week, though, and I can say we have adjusted pretty well to our new addition, Lyla.  :)

Now the more in-depth decision, though, not a tough one.

For the last few months I have been researching, discussing, praying and contemplating homeschool for Jenna. It wasn't until I went to a homeschool expo this last weekend that I could actually say the words, "I'm going to homeschool her next year." For some reason I had stuck to, "I'm thinking of homeschooling..." Even though I had known in my heart for some time that that was what we were going to do, I couldn't say the words. My brain and the realization of everything that meant as far as CHANGE and ADJUSTMENT hadn't really caught up. I ran into a friend, told her I was "thinking about it" and that I had purchased some things. She immediately said, "Well you're not really thinking about it then." It hit me. I was PLANNING! The decision was really made, I just never said it out loud. You would think being at a conference like that where everyone was FOR homeschooling, a safe place, I'd be able to just say it. What was I so afraid of? From that moment on, when I'd stop at a vendor, I was simply a "first-timer." I am still saying, "We'll see how the year goes."  :)

Why was it so difficult to finalize the decision? Now this might sound dramatic, but the more I realized we have the freedom to teach our children in any way we want, the more intimidated I got. I feared ruining my child. It's one thing to stay home, being able to influence them, pour into them, then send them to school. It's quite another to be their main influence, 24/7, sole provider of education, the enrichment of their mind for the rest of their life! (insert exaggeration, but just a little). Aside from the facts and figures of learning is the character side. My character, behavior, mannerisms, are on full display, all day, to affect her, her character, her actions, her spirit. Talk about pressure.

A thought came to me this weekend that I really hadn't dwelt on until I had those 5 1/2 hours walking around, looking at tons of materials, listening to seminars, my brain functioning for one purpose: The ONLY reason we ever moved to Missouri was for me to be able to stay home (aka to afford for me not to work). I'm not referring to God's purposes for us being here and the "big picture", just reasons in my finite mind. Although, maybe homeschooling is one of them, now that I think about it. Well, five years ago (wow, it's been that long?!) staying at home held a little different meaning. I only had Jenna, endless amounts of time with her, I could teach her, rock her for 2 hours if I wanted to, go where-ever we wanted to, we didn't quite know what the future held for our family, I was lonely, isolated, you SAHMs know the drill. At the time homeschooling wasn't even a speck of a thought in my mind. The automatic thought is "school." Default. "Normal." Christian, public, those choices were discussed, but that was the extent of it.

I really believe I was supposed to be at that expo. It gave me some peace. I went to two seminars that were exactly what I needed. I wrote out the highlights below and believe this information can help many other moms, parents, PEOPLE.

My own comments are in brackets  :)

1.  The first was with Matthew Stevens, a former school teacher-turned homeschooler-turned curriculum author and speaker. He had a life-long battle with anger, resentment and pride. [Don't we all in some way?] He quoted a friend, former pastor and a speaker, Dr. S.M. Davis many times. He began with this, "The single biggest problems that fathers and mothers have is not the children; it is the parent's own impatience and anger." And Rev. James Martin said, "We're only as spiritual as we are in the home." [Ouch. I also think I needed to hear this one before appreciating the next!]

The Catastrophic Effects of Anger and the Hope in Humility in the Home

When we encounter someone, do they see Christ or just an angry person that says they're a Christian? Pride is all about our image. We very often can control ourselves outside the home because we want a good image. Inside may be a whole other story.

• Vengeance is not yours. We're getting angry because we've been crossed. We're taking vengeance. We feel like we have the authority to dish out and lash BACK. As we are training our children, it cannot be in a vengeful way.
  
• Romans 12:19 - "Never take your own revenge...'Vengeance is mine, I will repay,' says the Lord."
  
• Man's anger is never righteous. God is holy; his anger can be righteous because he is sinless.
  
• James 1:20 - "human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
• Romans 8:23 - (paraphrase) "We groan for the day our bodies will be redeemed." They aren't yet. Our anger will never be for God's glory.
• We justify angry outbursts because they "are someone else's fault." When you look at the other person, don't think of it as an attack on you. You are having a reaction.
• Proverbs 22:24 - "Do not associate with a man given to anger."
• Our children are learning our ways. Our outbursts produce rebellion. [I can attest to this first-hand! Jenna is always immediately reactive and worse when I am sarcastic, inpatient and angry.]

Anger the Destroyer

•  Biblical description:
  
• Broken walls allow the enemy to come in and attack. Proverbs 25:28 - "He who has no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down and without walls."
  
  
• Heavy/unbearable load. We are foolish to get angry. Proverbs 27:3 - "Stone is heavy and sand weighty, but a fool's wrath is heavier and more intolerable than both of them."
• Think about the weight your children and spouse carry around b/c of your anger. To live knowing and expecting it. 

• An overwhelming flood. Anger can undo 5 weeks of progress in 5 minutes. Proverbs 27:4 - "Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood."

Pride Causes Anger

• Something in our world went wrong. Proverbs 21:24 - "A proud and haughty man - 'Scoffer' is his name; He acts with arrogant pride."
  
• We tend to be more angry if we are struggling and dealing with sin in our life. There is guilt in unconfessed sin (ie. Cain, Balaam, David).
  
• Put away bitterness, wrath and anger. Ephesians 4:29-32 - "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.
  
• Parenting without anger.
  
• "My children will only respond to anger."
• Children are only responding this way b/c that's what anger TRAINED them to do. [This reminds me of the puppy's reactions to my tone - aka training!]
• You must retrain yourself and then them.
• Patiently teach them over and over. [They are children after-all!]
• We REact out of disobedience. We should be training them to follow God's law, not what is for our own good.
• The offense isn't against you, but God's law. They need to be reminded they've been created for God's glory. [We need to teach them what that means in respect to their behavior.]

• Spanking. Never administered in anger; only after the child has been patiently taught repeatedly.
• Because we love God, he disciplines us.
• Proverbs 22:8 - "He who sows [puts in] iniquity [wrong doing, unfairness] will reap sorrow, and the rod of his anger will fail." It doesn't prove productive, only failure [when unfair, sinful].
  
• Discipline that works. You can be firm without being angry.
• Judicious, not judgmental.
• Emphatic [insistent], not enraged. 
• Determined, not destructive.
• Watchful, not wrathful.
  
• Spirit of displine.
• Calm
• Attentive
• Firm 
  

The Problem with Impatience

• It instigates our anger. "Patience isn't an elective in God's curriculum but rather a required course that is foundational to your advancement in many areas of life." -S.M. Davis
• YOU'VE been forgiven much.
• Matthew 18:21-35 - The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
• Patient people are seldom angry. Impatient people are always angry.
• James 1:19 - "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."

The Result of Impatience

• It shows a lack of true love. When I'm impatient I'm not loving. 1Corinthians 13:4-5 - "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered (provoked), it keeps no record of wrongs."

The Hope of Humility

1. It brings grace and honor
2. It is not an option
3. It will deliver you 

• Consider this with your children:
• Are YOU teachable?
• Are you approachable?
• Are you willing to take the time to train?
• Strive for effective communication, not with a sarcastic spirit.
• Spoken words = 7% effectiveness
• Facial expressions = 55%
• Tone of voice = 38%
• Build your home on humility.
• Admit wrongs. It's about our individual relationships with God.
• Ask forgiveness.
• Be committed.
• Ask your family for help.

Anger drives your children away.

2.  The second seminar I went to was entitled, "Eliminating the ADD Crisis" by Joyce Herzog. The premise was not to dismiss or lessen the symptoms of the child and very real struggles that families encounter with children who have been diagnosed with ADD. However, it was very enlightening to the fact that children are over-diagnosed based on their behavior as well as over-medicated for these issues. It was very much focusing on the individual child as a PERSON not a diagnosis. Remember, these are my notes, not all my opinion :)

You might wonder why I would go to a seminar about ADD since Jenna's never been diagnosed. If you've spent time with Jenna in a learning environment of any kind, you might not  :)  Let's just say much of this hit home.

Symptoms of ADD/ADHD

• Inattention [oh wait, that's me]
• Careless mistakes [me]
• Forgetfulness [me]
• Distracibility [me] and Impulsivity (blurting out, leaving their seat) [me]
• Hyperactivity

Though many experts have suggested removing all physical distractions for children with ADD, they will find a way to be distracted! In many ways were are trying to "fix" the child in a working school system. Instead try to think of the system as being broken and the child sacred. [Oooh that one got me.]

When you wonder why more boys are diagnosed with ADD than girls remember that God created men and women differently. The school system has been trying to avoid the differences.

The ADD Myth

In the 1950's psychiatry began categorizing behavioral traits. In turn, the field benefited from people being diagnosed. You can't take a blood or urine test for ADD, but the behaviors could be controlled with anti-psychotic medications. That's where the partnership with the pharmaceutical companies came in.

At this time in regards to schooling, progress and success was linked only to mastering skills. It is now linked to time in the system. *Don't buy new curriculum b/c their allotted time (or grade level) has gone by. Move on when they have LEARNED. Success and learning = progress! See your children for who they are and what they can do, not as school students at a grade level. [This was an eye-opener for me and will be a major shift for homeschooling.]

If you think of your child as "learning disabled," it defines your whole approach to the child. You know your child better than any professional. You tell them what's best for them!

Parental expectations bring about change. You can either CONTROL their behavior or EMPOWER them to take control of their behavior.

• Separate who he/she is from how she behaves. Explain that they are here for a purpose, and it isn't to throw tantrums (for example). They can return when they're ready to not throw a tantrum. But also don't assume the worst of them.

• They need to learn to control their own body. Sports are a great way to do this. Keep in mind if group sports are best, or something like karate where they must be in control. One exercise is time how long they can move only their eyes. Even if it's only for 2 seconds, praise them!! Move the time up. They are controlling body movements.
  
• Find an energy outlet! If they can't run around the house, find a place where they can. Another tip is that young children write better on a slanted surface. Some may need to stand up.

• Require early on she recognize her problem. 
• "You know, you can be a little clumsy sometimes."
• Show them what impulsive means. Mimic their behavior; "that's how it looks to me." Show them their reflection.
• Don't always focus on weaknesses. List and praise behaviors and attitudes that are good.
  
• Solutions
• Physical (Vision and Hearing)
• College of Vision and Hearing Development (covd.org)
• Find a doctor that can test vision FUNCTIONS, not just health of the eye and for vision correction. They may need vision training.
  
• Some children need to be active to learn or recite information.
  
• Diet and Exercise
• Regular balanced meals
• Do they have energy outlets? They may need a 10 min. learning time and 15 min. break. Move up to 15 min. class and 10 min. break, then a break every hour.
• Make sure they're in a controlled environment. At a small school it was a parking lot.
• Teach them control with exercise, jumping jacks, jump rope, etc.

• Use a gentle but firm touch
• One example could be that they need their back rubbed to stay focused.
• James Evans Autobiography (a good read-aloud for the family)

• Involve her in the solution! Not just telling her what to do. She's not a problem, she's a child. Involve her in setting goals.
• Give praise for any success (ie. stopping before crossing the street), behavior or academic.
• Help her think. "How did you knock down your sister? How should it have been handled? How can you improve next time? [I went and did this with Jenna that NIGHT, and it has been amazing.]
• Do not compare to siblings with what they can and can't do.
• If she is good at something you're not comfortable teaching (constructing, science experiments), find a place where she can be good at it! Channel their creative energy.
  
• Look at environmental solutions. You many need to change the structure of your home or classroom.
• Younger kids think better between 10 and 11 a.m. Use that!
• Older kids work better at night. They might prefer to read in their bed at 10 p.m. Work WITH them! Especially at home, you are in control of the schedule and structure.
  
• Learning solutions:
  
• They may not thrive using worksheets. 
• Maybe they like to highlight information or circle WRONG answers. [Jenna is very particular when it comes to me repeating directions exactly the same each time she works on a problem. If I don't, she's throws a fit. I tried to fit her into my teaching style and making her learn in different ways, when I should have been focusing on the best way SHE learns.]
  
• Spiritual solutions:
• Pray with your child and for your child.
• Praise God for them IN THEIR EARS.
• Record prayer requests and answers with them.
• Show them how important they are to God and you. 
• Accept limitations while challenging them to do their best and to make progress.
• They need positive role models with good habits they can copy.
• Dads are daughters' first boyfriends, and mom are sons' first girlfriends. Teach them what to expect and is expected of them.
• Find family time to build that bond.
• Work out consequences with them. For example, they don't want their brother to touch their things. Ask how they should handle OTHER people's things. Should they not touch their brother's things either? It is in their control.
• Get someone to watch your child so you can have a break.

This requires focus from you, even if they don't have it. 

Remind them that God accepts you as you are because you said "YES, I want to be yours." Everything else is secondary, even their hyperactivity. Help them to become who God created them to be.

God isn't done with YOU yet either. Cooperate with him, teach your children to cooperate with you.