The Unseen and Light at the End of the Tunnel

I had forgotten what it was like to go a day without pain and worry...

Things started snowballing over the last few years with stress, brain fog (really since I had my third child in 2010), thinking I had ulcers from stomach pain (eggs made it worse, plus bananas and ibuprofen damage), anger, depression, you name it. 2011 is kind of a blur. I probably had no business driving or being out in public, let alone with my kids. Lexapro helped over the next couple years, although I was really living in neutral to get by...Then the last couple years I've dealt with chronic sinus issues, tension headaches, migraines, dizziness/lightheadedness, ear and jaw pain, plus constant heartburn. There were factors of course that compounded all that, but I was an emotional, exhausted mess.


When everything really kicked in and hit me the hardest was July 2014-ish. I was driving and felt like I got smacked in the head with a bat. I was having the worst headache of my life, my face, nose, back of my head, everything hurt. I went straight to urgent care thinking it was a crazy sinus infection. The doctor concurred based on my symtoms and sent me home with antibiotics. Those didn't work, so I waited a couple weeks, went to my regular doctor and got a Z-Pak. Those didn't work, so on and so on...that fall I had horrific back pain that I thought was a pinched nerve (ortho and xray said otherwise). I couldn't stand without sweating and getting nauseous b/c of the pain, but chiropractic and physical therapy, plus some Naproxin, relieved that nightmare (except for it tearing up my stomach, basically ibuprofen x10).

Over that time, even up to now, I've been to every doctor I could, got every scan I could, changed doctors to get more opinions, gotten bloodwork done and redone looking for a diagnosis. I was taking ibuprofen around the clock, upped my coffee thinking caffeine would help, GERD med every day and trying different meds to manage the stress and emotional issues that came along with trying to cope, self-diagnose and worrying about every lump and pain. I got a septoplasty last May to correct my deviated septum in the hopes that it would alleviate my sinus pain. I wish I had never gotten it. I got a bone density scan to make sure the prescription proton pump inhibitor I had been taking for 3 years wasn't causing osteoporosis (which it can). I was not enjoying motherhood like I wanted to, enjoyed the time with my kids, been able to utilize my time efficiently. I just wanted to keep my eyes closed all day.

In January 2016 I had enough of getting no answers, decided to finally see my friend Cori for some holistic nutritional help. I jumped into the Autoimmune Protocol plan (which if you have any autoimmune issue - diagnosed that you take meds for OR undiagnosed, chronic issues I highly recommend it) to restart my nervous and digestive systems (among other things). It's basically stripping down and out everything processed, any grains, dairy, legumes, eggs, nuts, it goes on. I thought it would be extremely difficult to cut out so many things, but I was more desperate to feel well, and drive somewhere without getting nauseous from pain resonating from my eyes to the back of my head.

Now, it wasn't just food, but herbal supplements, sleep and water were all pivotal changes I needed to examine and change. I also wasn't exercising consistently. I still don't, but it's improved :) Actually, on AIP you're not supposed to do a ton of strenuous exercise, but to just not be stagnant, which is easy to do when you feel crappy all day every day.

AIP isn't meant to be a lifelong solution, some people successfully reintroduce things like eggs and nuts, but I am completely more aware of my body, how my body reacts to foods. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've taken ibuprofen in the last 6 months. What started with one to two migraines a week, has gone to maybe 2 or 3 since starting this journey. TMI but Aunt Flo is a thousand times more tolerable, lighter and shorter. Most people who go through AIP transition to Paleo, which I wouldn't call a diet because it's really just about eating real food and making conscious decisions with what you put in your body. If I do have that brownie, that bday cake, eat out, I'm just more aware. It's also made me use more ingredients and foods that I've never bought or tried to cook before (YAY for spaghetti squash). I like cooking even more than I did before, and trying new recipes as alternatives for my sweet tooth (YAY for raw cacao and maple syrup).

My most recent hurdle is functioning without the Prilosec. I had started it years ago when I first noticed heartburn symptoms, eventually upped to the Rx Dexilant, then higher dose Rx omeprazole, last month went back to otc Prilosec; but that was kind of my crutch to still be able to have coffee and chocolate when I want because I wouldn't have the heartburn afterward. Since I stopped taking it this month I still have the occasional heartburn, but I know why! That coffee I had this morning gave me that esophageal burn til lunch, but then the salt and garlic I had in my cabbage/kale saute didn't help. I thought I was doing good by choosing the coconut ice cream tonight, but it had chocolate. This was an uncomfortable day. I might to do a restart on those fronts and cut them out :-O. Next hurdle will be getting off Cymbalta. Work in progress...

I'm so thankful I knew who to go to, that I didn't have to keep starting over with new doctors to find something that they'd never physically see on a scan. I feel "lighter" mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and unburdened by the unknown I was trying to find. Every day is different, I still struggle with choices, I cheat :-P I get pains, I'm not 100% YET, but I'm so much more encouraged and feel like I'm out of the pit I was in. Thank God for peace, encouragement, answered prayers, and for friends and moms who have prayed for me.

If you have "invisible" pain, or an unnamed autoimmune issue I totally recommend looking up Sarah Ballantyne, Ph.D. (a.k.a. The Paleo Mom) @thepaleomom for scientific and dietary resources. 
http://www.thepaleomom.com/about-sarah-2
www.facebook.com/thepaleomom

If you don't know where to start, Cori will help you out too  :)  
www.facebook.com/good4thesol
www.good4thesol.com

I also starting adding recipes and things to an AIP/Paleo Pinterest Board.
www.pinterest.com/lcclifton

Don't give up on yourself. It's been a while since I'd seen that jaw and collar bone.  ;)

Beef and Lentil Stew

Kid and Husband Tested and Approved
The not-so-picky eaters gobbled it up. The picky eater had a number count to eat, but she was sick and not that hungry anyway. That's my story, and I'm stickin to it because it really is good. We've all gotten tired of the celery and carrot bases, as well as the go-to soup filler, potatoes. Dh isn't keen on cooked carrots anyway, so this was a welcome soup change with petite diced tomatoes and fresh spinach.

Notes: 
This serves at least 6. With our family of little people there was a ton leftover. Great the next day and hubby's lunch.

Total time could be around 2 hrs, so give yourself time for simmering and deeper flavor. If you don't have that much time, cook the beef longer at the beginning, add the onions and other wet ingredients and lentils, bring to a boil and simmer at that point. I removed the beef to cook the onions to give them more room and less interruption and stirring of the meat. It's not necessary for time's sake (and dirtying more dishes).  :)

For the flour in this recipe I used unbleached all purpose, but you can sub GF flour blends or individual ones like masa harina or arrowroot (these would be smoother for coating vs an almond flour). The purpose is to add a thickening agent, and it keeps some moisture in the meat while browning. You can also wait and add cornstarch the last 10 minutes (1 Tbs cold water mixed with 1 Tbs corn starch). Skip this altogether if you want more of a brothy soup and not a thick stew.

For the spinach you can use frozen, just be sure to thaw and squeeze out the water. Fresh is pretty and rustic, but whatever you have works.

For the garlic, I had already minced in a jar, which is about 1 tsp to a fresh clove. You can use powder if that's what you have on hand. I'd say about 4 tsp or to your taste.

Ingredients

3 Tbs olive oil
1 1/2 lb beef stew meat 
1 tsp each salt and pepper
Approx 1 cup flour to coat the beef
2 (14) oz cans petite diced tomatoes
1 small yellow onion diced
6 cloves minced garlic
2 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp celery seed
2 bay leaves
6 cups vegetable stock
Approx. 12 oz lentils rinsed
Fresh baby spinach leaves - added at the end, roughly chopped, or just hand tear as you add.

Instructions

1. In a medium bowl combine flour, salt and pepper, add the beef and mix to coat.


2. Heat 2 Tbs (or turns of the pan) oil in a large stock pot over medium/high heat, shake excess flour from the beef as you transfer to the pot. Brown evenly turning 2 or 3 times (approx 8 min).


3. Remove the beef with a slotted spoon, set aside in a bowl, cover.


4. Add and heat the other 1 Tbs of oil to the pot, add the onion and garlic and saute until onion is translucent (approx. 6 min).


5. Add the beef back to the pot, tomatoes in juice, oregano and stock. Bring to a boil.


6. Reduce heat to medium/low, cover and simmer approx. 40 min stirring occasionally.


7. Add the lentils. Remember they will expand a bit, so you can add some water or more stock at this point, to preferred consistency. Cover and continue to simmer another 30 min or until lentils are tender.


8. Stir in the spinach and simmer another 5 minutes to wilt. Season to taste with salt and pepper.

Yellow Squash Bread

Kid-tested and approved! My lo thought it was banana bread. The squash in this recipe can be subbed with zucchini, carrot or a banana.

The GF blend that I have says it can be subbed cup for cup in recipes, but I have not found that to be true with my regular recipes. It is a brown rice, arrowroot blend with xantham gum added. From pancakes to corn bread, they come out mushy. For true GF you could try 3/4 cu coconut flour and 3/4 cu almond or similar. You need a little bit of a dryer blend, which is why I used half AP flour. I did a batch of all AP, and it's just more dense. The GF additions usually add moisture and sweetness.

1/4 cu room temp butter (=1/2 stick)
1/4 cu coconut oil (scoop 1-2 Tbs into a microwavable bowl, 30 seconds to melt, then measure)
1 cu light brown sugar
1 egg
1/2 tsp lemon juice or zest (whatever you have on hand)

3/4 cu unbleached all-purpose flour
3/4 cu gluten-free blend of choice
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt (optional)
1 tsp cinnamon
Dash of nutmeg
1 cu grated/shredded yellow squash (=1/2 large squash, so you can double this and make 2 batches!)
1/2 cu nuts of choice (optional)


1. Preheat oven to 350. Use some of the butter to grease a standard loaf pan.

2. Using a mixer (I used a hand mixer) blend the butter, oil, brown sugar, egg and lemon until smooth.

3. Sift in the dry ingredients. I don't have a sifter, so I used a fine mesh drainer, combined it all in there and tapped it into the wet mixture. Mix well.

4. Squeeze and drain the squash in a paper towel. (I scooped some of the seeds out before grating, optional, I just wanted more of the meat).

5. Fold the squash (and nuts) into the batter. It will be thick, you can use a rubber spatula to blend the squash in and spread into the pan.

6. Bake for 45-55 minutes. Start with 45 as mine browned well at that time. Remove and cool in the pan for about 10 minutes.

*It makes a couple slices more than the picture. We ate some before I could plate it!

September 11th, Patriot Day and Homeschool

It's been so long since I've posted anything. It's been so crazy busy, and I haven't really been able to put many full thoughts together to write something worth reading. However, today I thought I'd share some resources I found to start the discussion of 9/11 and Patriot Day with the kids, specifically Jenna, whom I am home schooling right now. I started simple and gave her more information as we went.

1. The first thing I did was verbally explain to her that it IS Patriot Day today. I gave her the simplest explanation of 9/11, with basic information. She doesn't know much about New York itself, what the twin towers mean, what the Pentagon is...so some men who do not like America used airplanes to crash into the two tallest buildings in the United States. Many people died, including firefighters and police officers trying to rescue the people in the buildings. There was also an attack on the Pentagon in Washington, DC, and another plane that the brave people took back over from the men crashed in Pennsylvania. Patriot Day is to remember all of these heroes and be thankful for and proud to live in America. Something to that effect  :)  I also asked who the current President is and told her who the President was at the time.

2. All three of the kids did this activity: http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Patriot-Day-ABC-Order-Activity-FREEBIE-869394. Cutting, coloring, gluing, ABC order.

3. We looked up pictures of the original twin towers and the Pentagon. By using "original" I was trying to bypass any actual attack pictures, which I did, and also saw a picture of the memorial. I showed her pictures of George W. at the site, with some firemen, when he was told of what happened at the school. She wanted to see pictures of the plane crash, that would not be happening at this time. One of the pictures of George W. with a firemen showed their emotional faces, Jenna asked what happened (as in why they looked sad). I told her that many people lost their lives, those firemen probably lost friends who were trying to save other people, and that it was a sad day for America. In the search, the side-bar also showed Bin Laden, who I explained briefly as the leader of the group of men who attacked America, and that our military and government caught him.

4. I skip-read this: http://www.classbrain.com/artfree/publish/cat_index_17.shtml. I read this next. I asked her what a hero is. She said, "Someone who saves the day."  :)  http://www.apples4theteacher.com/holidays/memorial-day/kids-poems-rhymes/the-american-hero.html. She learned what the term "civilian" is referring to and that all of the firefighters, responders, people on board the plane in Pennsylvania are heroes.

5. I read to her (and she read a few sentences) the Patriot Day Proclamation from George W. Bush September 2002. It's so long she really didn't want to read it, I did most of the reading...slowly with emphasis. That is Patriot Day and when it started.

6. I watched this with her. http://www.brainpop.co.uk/humanities/historymodern/september11th/. Animated description of the day. Now, I have conclusions of my own about why the towers fell, the Pentagon getting hit that differ from this video, but I just pointed out that this is the government's explanation of the events.

7. Next she wanted to do this one and enjoyed it, simple, fun. http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Patriot-Day-printable-book-for-primary-grades-September-11-866807.

8. I printed this whole resource: http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Patriot-Day-9-11-CLIP-Creative-Learning-in-a-Pinch-820814. Jenna started the word search, but took a much needed break (if you call self-initiated, self-reading in her room a break lol)

-I'm going to help her with the crossword "spiral" and math (show her how to use a calculator since we're not on multiplication yet). She played with the calculator on her own for a little bit while I was reviewing and publishing this. I gave her some shortcuts about multiplication with 10s and 11s, which she may not retain, but also using the calculator to CHECK the work not just get the answer. We also haven't gotten into "ones" on the clock, so I guess we'll start that since it's on the same page as the math wheel. :)

-Tomorrow I think we'll get into the Pledge of Allegiance. When she was in school they said it in class, so she knows it. But I found a cute printable of it that I printed on card stock, and this other sheet to break out the meaning. It's a pocket calendar and Pledge for classrooms. http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Free-Printable-Patriotic-Kids-Pocket-Chart-Calendar-and-Pledge-of-Allegiance-297639.
http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Pledge-of-Allegiance-Reflection-September-11th-Patriot-Day-Activity-45142.

-I want to stick to the patriotic theme this week, maybe emergency response.
http://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Emergency-9-1-1-Mini-Activity-Pack-Lesson-Plan-Ideas-658508.

Seriously, this is the most planning for her home schooling I've done in the last month. But today was very motivating.

Carrie: The Next Chapter

"Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him Jabez, saying, 'I gave birth to him in pain.' Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, 'Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from evil that I may not cause pain.' And God granted his request." -1Chronicles 4:9-10

This verse has been a personal favorite of mine for many years. Even today it speaks new things to me. Oh how He has blessed me, enlarged my territory (area of influence and responsibilities) this year. I pray often that it would be His hands working through me because I cannot do anything in my own strength. Oh how He has spared me that I may not cause or endure pain.

The past year and a half have been a huge struggle for me emotionally. Well, really, since I had Jared. I've learned that personal struggles are not that at all, they affect those around you. For me, it's been my kids. Thank God for a rock of a husband who is understanding, patient and not easily moved by my craziness. I've felt like a shaken can of soda ready to burst as soon as one of my children did something that set me off. I seriously think my hormones were totally thrown out of whack. Call it PPD, PMDD, anxiety, whatever. Accompanied with fatigue and migraines, this did not bode well for the loving, nurturing, supportive home that I aspired to have for my family. I don't have unrealistic, perfect expectations, but something had to give. I've gotten some medicinal assistance, which has also been a struggle since I hate taking medication, but there came a time when I would do anything to stabilize my sanity and the emotional and physical security of my family.

So now that I feel half-way normal, we decided to home-school and got a puppy.  :)

The less complex decision first:

We always said we'd wait until Jared was 5 to get any kind of pet, that was the goal...until we went to Texas for Christmas and almost came home with a puppy. We didn't, and I literally (a little ashamedly) cried most of the 13 hour drive back. It's so silly now, it was just a puppy, maybe it was baby fever, I don't know. But I was eventually able to move on from the situation. THEN we decided to go to Purina Farms over Easter where a local rescue had brought puppies to play with. It was a sign I tell you! It was a good thing they didn't do on-the-spot adoptions, but I did throw out some pouty guilt to Lance about our first missed puppy opportunity.

The rescue idea stuck with me. When we got home I started looking into local rescues that had puppies. It was really more like window shopping because I knew we wouldn't actually take the time to go to any of them. Well, last weekend we were on the way to the park with some cranky kids, we took our usual route past Wal-Mart and Petco where I glanced and saw an interesting red and yellow sign out front. I couldn't read it, but my curiosity was struck. We pulled in, and it was adoption day. The kids always love to see animals, so this would be a good pit stop. There were a bunch of puppies. Some of them looked familiar, so I asked where they were from. The woman gave me the name and city, and I immediately knew they were one of the places I bookmarked online. Another sign I tell you! We got to hold some for a donation, we walked around a little, but the kids were still itching to go to the park before it got dark. The adoption was also cash only, so we couldn't do anything right then. We had a little bit of time to really think about it. Lance said ok. By the time we left the park we had enough time to get cash and go to back to Petco before she packed up the puppies! I knew exactly which one I wanted, and of course Jenna was OVER THE MOON. She's been wanting a dog for at least 2 years. She had one in mind, but said she didn't care what color it was, she just wanted a puppy. And that was that. The puppy still had to get spayed, which the rescue took care of, so we had a few days to prepare the house some. What I wasn't prepared for was the sleep deprivation of potty training. It's been a week, though, and I can say we have adjusted pretty well to our new addition, Lyla.  :)

Now the more in-depth decision, though, not a tough one.

For the last few months I have been researching, discussing, praying and contemplating homeschool for Jenna. It wasn't until I went to a homeschool expo this last weekend that I could actually say the words, "I'm going to homeschool her next year." For some reason I had stuck to, "I'm thinking of homeschooling..." Even though I had known in my heart for some time that that was what we were going to do, I couldn't say the words. My brain and the realization of everything that meant as far as CHANGE and ADJUSTMENT hadn't really caught up. I ran into a friend, told her I was "thinking about it" and that I had purchased some things. She immediately said, "Well you're not really thinking about it then." It hit me. I was PLANNING! The decision was really made, I just never said it out loud. You would think being at a conference like that where everyone was FOR homeschooling, a safe place, I'd be able to just say it. What was I so afraid of? From that moment on, when I'd stop at a vendor, I was simply a "first-timer." I am still saying, "We'll see how the year goes."  :)

Why was it so difficult to finalize the decision? Now this might sound dramatic, but the more I realized we have the freedom to teach our children in any way we want, the more intimidated I got. I feared ruining my child. It's one thing to stay home, being able to influence them, pour into them, then send them to school. It's quite another to be their main influence, 24/7, sole provider of education, the enrichment of their mind for the rest of their life! (insert exaggeration, but just a little). Aside from the facts and figures of learning is the character side. My character, behavior, mannerisms, are on full display, all day, to affect her, her character, her actions, her spirit. Talk about pressure.

A thought came to me this weekend that I really hadn't dwelt on until I had those 5 1/2 hours walking around, looking at tons of materials, listening to seminars, my brain functioning for one purpose: The ONLY reason we ever moved to Missouri was for me to be able to stay home (aka to afford for me not to work). I'm not referring to God's purposes for us being here and the "big picture", just reasons in my finite mind. Although, maybe homeschooling is one of them, now that I think about it. Well, five years ago (wow, it's been that long?!) staying at home held a little different meaning. I only had Jenna, endless amounts of time with her, I could teach her, rock her for 2 hours if I wanted to, go where-ever we wanted to, we didn't quite know what the future held for our family, I was lonely, isolated, you SAHMs know the drill. At the time homeschooling wasn't even a speck of a thought in my mind. The automatic thought is "school." Default. "Normal." Christian, public, those choices were discussed, but that was the extent of it.

I really believe I was supposed to be at that expo. It gave me some peace. I went to two seminars that were exactly what I needed. I wrote out the highlights below and believe this information can help many other moms, parents, PEOPLE.

My own comments are in brackets  :)

1.  The first was with Matthew Stevens, a former school teacher-turned homeschooler-turned curriculum author and speaker. He had a life-long battle with anger, resentment and pride. [Don't we all in some way?] He quoted a friend, former pastor and a speaker, Dr. S.M. Davis many times. He began with this, "The single biggest problems that fathers and mothers have is not the children; it is the parent's own impatience and anger." And Rev. James Martin said, "We're only as spiritual as we are in the home." [Ouch. I also think I needed to hear this one before appreciating the next!]

The Catastrophic Effects of Anger and the Hope in Humility in the Home

When we encounter someone, do they see Christ or just an angry person that says they're a Christian? Pride is all about our image. We very often can control ourselves outside the home because we want a good image. Inside may be a whole other story.

• Vengeance is not yours. We're getting angry because we've been crossed. We're taking vengeance. We feel like we have the authority to dish out and lash BACK. As we are training our children, it cannot be in a vengeful way.
  
• Romans 12:19 - "Never take your own revenge...'Vengeance is mine, I will repay,' says the Lord."
  
• Man's anger is never righteous. God is holy; his anger can be righteous because he is sinless.
  
• James 1:20 - "human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
• Romans 8:23 - (paraphrase) "We groan for the day our bodies will be redeemed." They aren't yet. Our anger will never be for God's glory.
• We justify angry outbursts because they "are someone else's fault." When you look at the other person, don't think of it as an attack on you. You are having a reaction.
• Proverbs 22:24 - "Do not associate with a man given to anger."
• Our children are learning our ways. Our outbursts produce rebellion. [I can attest to this first-hand! Jenna is always immediately reactive and worse when I am sarcastic, inpatient and angry.]

Anger the Destroyer

•  Biblical description:
  
• Broken walls allow the enemy to come in and attack. Proverbs 25:28 - "He who has no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down and without walls."
  
  
• Heavy/unbearable load. We are foolish to get angry. Proverbs 27:3 - "Stone is heavy and sand weighty, but a fool's wrath is heavier and more intolerable than both of them."
• Think about the weight your children and spouse carry around b/c of your anger. To live knowing and expecting it. 

• An overwhelming flood. Anger can undo 5 weeks of progress in 5 minutes. Proverbs 27:4 - "Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood."

Pride Causes Anger

• Something in our world went wrong. Proverbs 21:24 - "A proud and haughty man - 'Scoffer' is his name; He acts with arrogant pride."
  
• We tend to be more angry if we are struggling and dealing with sin in our life. There is guilt in unconfessed sin (ie. Cain, Balaam, David).
  
• Put away bitterness, wrath and anger. Ephesians 4:29-32 - "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.
  
• Parenting without anger.
  
• "My children will only respond to anger."
• Children are only responding this way b/c that's what anger TRAINED them to do. [This reminds me of the puppy's reactions to my tone - aka training!]
• You must retrain yourself and then them.
• Patiently teach them over and over. [They are children after-all!]
• We REact out of disobedience. We should be training them to follow God's law, not what is for our own good.
• The offense isn't against you, but God's law. They need to be reminded they've been created for God's glory. [We need to teach them what that means in respect to their behavior.]

• Spanking. Never administered in anger; only after the child has been patiently taught repeatedly.
• Because we love God, he disciplines us.
• Proverbs 22:8 - "He who sows [puts in] iniquity [wrong doing, unfairness] will reap sorrow, and the rod of his anger will fail." It doesn't prove productive, only failure [when unfair, sinful].
  
• Discipline that works. You can be firm without being angry.
• Judicious, not judgmental.
• Emphatic [insistent], not enraged. 
• Determined, not destructive.
• Watchful, not wrathful.
  
• Spirit of displine.
• Calm
• Attentive
• Firm 
  

The Problem with Impatience

• It instigates our anger. "Patience isn't an elective in God's curriculum but rather a required course that is foundational to your advancement in many areas of life." -S.M. Davis
• YOU'VE been forgiven much.
• Matthew 18:21-35 - The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
• Patient people are seldom angry. Impatient people are always angry.
• James 1:19 - "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."

The Result of Impatience

• It shows a lack of true love. When I'm impatient I'm not loving. 1Corinthians 13:4-5 - "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered (provoked), it keeps no record of wrongs."

The Hope of Humility

1. It brings grace and honor
2. It is not an option
3. It will deliver you 

• Consider this with your children:
• Are YOU teachable?
• Are you approachable?
• Are you willing to take the time to train?
• Strive for effective communication, not with a sarcastic spirit.
• Spoken words = 7% effectiveness
• Facial expressions = 55%
• Tone of voice = 38%
• Build your home on humility.
• Admit wrongs. It's about our individual relationships with God.
• Ask forgiveness.
• Be committed.
• Ask your family for help.

Anger drives your children away.

2.  The second seminar I went to was entitled, "Eliminating the ADD Crisis" by Joyce Herzog. The premise was not to dismiss or lessen the symptoms of the child and very real struggles that families encounter with children who have been diagnosed with ADD. However, it was very enlightening to the fact that children are over-diagnosed based on their behavior as well as over-medicated for these issues. It was very much focusing on the individual child as a PERSON not a diagnosis. Remember, these are my notes, not all my opinion :)

You might wonder why I would go to a seminar about ADD since Jenna's never been diagnosed. If you've spent time with Jenna in a learning environment of any kind, you might not  :)  Let's just say much of this hit home.

Symptoms of ADD/ADHD

• Inattention [oh wait, that's me]
• Careless mistakes [me]
• Forgetfulness [me]
• Distracibility [me] and Impulsivity (blurting out, leaving their seat) [me]
• Hyperactivity

Though many experts have suggested removing all physical distractions for children with ADD, they will find a way to be distracted! In many ways were are trying to "fix" the child in a working school system. Instead try to think of the system as being broken and the child sacred. [Oooh that one got me.]

When you wonder why more boys are diagnosed with ADD than girls remember that God created men and women differently. The school system has been trying to avoid the differences.

The ADD Myth

In the 1950's psychiatry began categorizing behavioral traits. In turn, the field benefited from people being diagnosed. You can't take a blood or urine test for ADD, but the behaviors could be controlled with anti-psychotic medications. That's where the partnership with the pharmaceutical companies came in.

At this time in regards to schooling, progress and success was linked only to mastering skills. It is now linked to time in the system. *Don't buy new curriculum b/c their allotted time (or grade level) has gone by. Move on when they have LEARNED. Success and learning = progress! See your children for who they are and what they can do, not as school students at a grade level. [This was an eye-opener for me and will be a major shift for homeschooling.]

If you think of your child as "learning disabled," it defines your whole approach to the child. You know your child better than any professional. You tell them what's best for them!

Parental expectations bring about change. You can either CONTROL their behavior or EMPOWER them to take control of their behavior.

• Separate who he/she is from how she behaves. Explain that they are here for a purpose, and it isn't to throw tantrums (for example). They can return when they're ready to not throw a tantrum. But also don't assume the worst of them.

• They need to learn to control their own body. Sports are a great way to do this. Keep in mind if group sports are best, or something like karate where they must be in control. One exercise is time how long they can move only their eyes. Even if it's only for 2 seconds, praise them!! Move the time up. They are controlling body movements.
  
• Find an energy outlet! If they can't run around the house, find a place where they can. Another tip is that young children write better on a slanted surface. Some may need to stand up.

• Require early on she recognize her problem. 
• "You know, you can be a little clumsy sometimes."
• Show them what impulsive means. Mimic their behavior; "that's how it looks to me." Show them their reflection.
• Don't always focus on weaknesses. List and praise behaviors and attitudes that are good.
  
• Solutions
• Physical (Vision and Hearing)
• College of Vision and Hearing Development (covd.org)
• Find a doctor that can test vision FUNCTIONS, not just health of the eye and for vision correction. They may need vision training.
  
• Some children need to be active to learn or recite information.
  
• Diet and Exercise
• Regular balanced meals
• Do they have energy outlets? They may need a 10 min. learning time and 15 min. break. Move up to 15 min. class and 10 min. break, then a break every hour.
• Make sure they're in a controlled environment. At a small school it was a parking lot.
• Teach them control with exercise, jumping jacks, jump rope, etc.

• Use a gentle but firm touch
• One example could be that they need their back rubbed to stay focused.
• James Evans Autobiography (a good read-aloud for the family)

• Involve her in the solution! Not just telling her what to do. She's not a problem, she's a child. Involve her in setting goals.
• Give praise for any success (ie. stopping before crossing the street), behavior or academic.
• Help her think. "How did you knock down your sister? How should it have been handled? How can you improve next time? [I went and did this with Jenna that NIGHT, and it has been amazing.]
• Do not compare to siblings with what they can and can't do.
• If she is good at something you're not comfortable teaching (constructing, science experiments), find a place where she can be good at it! Channel their creative energy.
  
• Look at environmental solutions. You many need to change the structure of your home or classroom.
• Younger kids think better between 10 and 11 a.m. Use that!
• Older kids work better at night. They might prefer to read in their bed at 10 p.m. Work WITH them! Especially at home, you are in control of the schedule and structure.
  
• Learning solutions:
  
• They may not thrive using worksheets. 
• Maybe they like to highlight information or circle WRONG answers. [Jenna is very particular when it comes to me repeating directions exactly the same each time she works on a problem. If I don't, she's throws a fit. I tried to fit her into my teaching style and making her learn in different ways, when I should have been focusing on the best way SHE learns.]
  
• Spiritual solutions:
• Pray with your child and for your child.
• Praise God for them IN THEIR EARS.
• Record prayer requests and answers with them.
• Show them how important they are to God and you. 
• Accept limitations while challenging them to do their best and to make progress.
• They need positive role models with good habits they can copy.
• Dads are daughters' first boyfriends, and mom are sons' first girlfriends. Teach them what to expect and is expected of them.
• Find family time to build that bond.
• Work out consequences with them. For example, they don't want their brother to touch their things. Ask how they should handle OTHER people's things. Should they not touch their brother's things either? It is in their control.
• Get someone to watch your child so you can have a break.

This requires focus from you, even if they don't have it. 

Remind them that God accepts you as you are because you said "YES, I want to be yours." Everything else is secondary, even their hyperactivity. Help them to become who God created them to be.

God isn't done with YOU yet either. Cooperate with him, teach your children to cooperate with you.

"In the Heart of a Child, One Moment...Can Last Forever"

This is the sub-title of the book we are getting ready to read in our small group. It's called Just a Minute by Wess Stafford. About a month or so ago, when I was going over different parenting and marriage studies that our group could do this semester, I happened to check my email, opened a regular newsletter from MOPS International, and noticed this book advertised in the margin. I had heard of Compassion International, didn't know many details, but the fact that the book was written by the President caught my eye. More than that, at that particular time, I had really been reflecting on what kind of memories and mark as a mother I want to leave my children with.

I heard somewhere that by the time a child is 6, their personality is pretty much set. In my opinion, that's also when memories really start to "stick." I don't often remember specifics about my toddler years, maybe glimpses brought back by photographs. But I remember a lot more after I got into that elementary age. What glimpses do I want my children to remember about me at that stage in their life? When I react to something they did, like Jenna accidentally coughing in my face and immediately jerking and scolding her; or just how I speak to them when I'm frustrated, in a hurry or hormonal. I see glimpses of my childhood and also think I've blocked some things out. You know, how certain things flash in your mind and then others you try to remember details but can't? Often times it is the negative that leaves the biggest impression on us as children. I want to lessen the negative as much as possible. I want my children to know without a doubt that they are loved, valued and treasured.

This book caught my eye in that way, as a mother, but also in a broader sense, teaching toddlers on Sunday, interacting with other moms and their kids through playdates or school. It reminded me of how impressionable and vulnerable children are. We just went through The Five Love Languages of Children, and the main purpose of discovering a child's love language is to better understand how to keep their "love tank" full and how that will affect their self-esteem, attitude, ultimately their future. This doesn't mean unrealistic expectation of perfection, but it's a reminder to never lose sight of a child's perception of our words and actions. In the heart of a child, one moment can really last forever, a moment that could set the course for a child's life.

A note from our study guide: "Dr. Wess Stafford demonstrates powerfully in Just a Minute how every adult has opportunities to make a profound impact in a child’s life. It only takes a moment—an apt word, a gentle encouragement, or a caring gesture at a crucial time—to set a child on course for a promising future, secure in the knowledge that they are loved by God. To do this, we must become aware of the children around us and willing to take advantage of the divine appointments God arranges between us and children in need."

What a sweetie!

Ava has been the sweetest thing the last few days. A couple weeks ago we took the girls to get their ears pierced. For being so brave they got lots of goodies, headbands and suckers that they picked out at Claire's and milkshakes at Chick Fil A afterward. It has been a little challenging trying to keep them calm while I clean and twist them, but as long as they're distracted with something else (brushing their teeth, watching a cartoon, etc.) it's not so bad. Ava actually ran into the bathroom last night to remind ME that I forgot to clean them. I also talk them through it while I'm cleaning, "Oh, there's some yucky stuff coming out, I have to clean it off." Keeping it light and fun versus holding them down crying seems to work better for all of us.

Over the last couple weeks I've also been working on calming Ava down and nipping the screaming in the bud. She whines and screams as a reaction to pretty much everything, so it's been a challenge for both of us - for me to keep my cool, which isn't always successful, and for her to focus on me and talk instead of cry and scream. She even started breaking out when she cries, she's just so stressed. I'm hoping that my patience and attention to her feelings will affect her overall demeanor and future reactions. Like tonight, when Jared hit her in the head with a car she came and told me about it instead of screaming and crying, or when she stubbed her toe walking out of the kitchen, she kept walking while I talked to her instead of having a meltdown. Now, there were some whines and fits today, but I just have to keep up on the positive reinforcement, pick the battles, not give into the dramatics but hone in what is bothering her. For a while it was almost easier to ignore or just give her what she wants so she'll stop crying; we all know how well-rounded and unspoiled a child she would grow into if I continued that. I also realized that she, besides wanting attention, needs resolution.

Example 1. We were getting ready to leave the History Museum, getting jackets on. I know that she likes to try and put the second arm in herself, but it was taking too long, so I put it on for her. She stood completely still, screaming her head off in the middle of the main hall. I tried the walk-away and she'll just come method - yeah that didn't work. So as the line of people next to us was looking at her, I calmly walked back, kneeled down in front of her and tried calming her. She was crying about her arm, so I took off the jacket and let her do it, cheered her on for doing it herself, and she immediately stopped crying. When we got outside she whined a little that her hood wouldn't stay up because it was so windy, but we laughed about it as we all rushed to the car. They all passed out on the way back.

Example 2. She wants an answer, any answer. She'll ask where every place is, and wants a real response. "Where is church?" I can no longer just say, "Oh we have to drive there, you can't see it from here," or she will just keep asking me. It must be something like, "Down the road, by the mall," and she'll say, "Ok." She did the same thing with "Where is the doctor's?" I said, "It's kind of far." She kept asking, so I finally said, "Fenton!!" and she said, "Oh, k." It is the cutest and most frustrating thing ever. It's not that she even knows where Fenton is, but she knows what a run-around is.

I am constantly amazed and impressed by this little "curly girly." The other day she came up to me out of nowhere, gave me a hug and said, "Thank you for getting my headband at the jewelry store mom." I almost cried right there. At dinner time Lance will tell me "thank you for making dinner mommy" to bring on some appreciation from the kids, sometimes they'll thank me back. I gave the kids slivers of some key lime pie Lance had gotten the other day, Jenna also wanted another little piece of cornbread. I serve up the pie, and Jenna started full-on complaining about wanting a bigger piece. I split one piece between the three kids, then I was going to have a regular piece. I am going back and forth with Jenna, "If you can't be happy with what you have, you won't have any. I'm being fair by giving you all the same size." She then has the audacity to then tell me not to give her as big a piece of cornbread next time! Finally, a breath of fresh air in a whine-infused kitchen when Ava says, "Thank you for making dinner and giving pie mommy." Not to mention that she asked twice for "more milk please mom." Now, I didn't want to make Jenna feel bad or anything, but I couldn't help but switch to the high-pitch mommy voice to tell Ava, "Aw, you're welcome sweetheart."

Later I decided to give the toddler bed another try with Ava. She's been able to climb out, and does, for a while now. I'd just rather her get up out of the bed than worry about her slipping off the rail half-awake in the middle of the night. So Lance and I took apart the crib and moved the little bed in. We were talking up the whole "big girl bed" thing with her while she was in and out. She's also getting used to the idea of us giving toys away because she picked up the little kick piano that had been hanging on her crib and says, "This is for someone else now," and threw it down.  LOL  Of course Jared loves that he can reach it to climb in and won't be left out. While I was changing the sheets, I put a toddler size top sheet on and told Ava it would be just like Jenna and mommy's bed with another sheet and blanket. When it came time for bed I was not looking forward to her getting in and out, playing around, like she did the last time we took the crib conversion rail down in August. But we had our routine, books, prayer, CD in, kisses and getting tucked in. As she was getting in bed she said, "Thank you for putting my new bed, and daddy."  :)  More often than not one of us also has to lay next to her bed for her to go to sleep, but while the mood was high and fun that she was in a big girl bed I left. It was a little later than I would've liked, but on days that she doesn't take a nap (like today) I just never know what level of frustrating bed-time is going to be. It all rides on Ava's crankiness. To my surprise the only time she called out was to put her blanket back on. Other than that I don't think she's gotten up and is doing great.

Now, would I rather her take the afternoon nap, or just deal with the mood repercussions in the evening to have her pass out at bed time? Decisions...